Toodles

Ever thought of what the worse possible thing would be to happen to you where you would just fall apart? I thought I did. I was proved wrong last night.

Today I woke up with a new future. A chance to let everything in the past be left in the past and that's where I will leave it. I'm going to be still that girl with hopes and dreams with a family that I love. I will have my husband by my side where we will find our way through the rest of our lives.Challenges will be faced, but together.

If there are any friends out there that want to be in my life then they are welcomed. You just have to be acceptable that no one is perfect and that sometimes your not going to get the opportunity to know everything. Its not that your not trusted, its that I can't even trust my thoughts and feelings anymore.

Things are changing and that goes with what I share. Sometimes you just need to be private with some things because there will always be that one person that will misconstrue. My heart has been broken in so many different ways that I think if I scream loud enough it will finally shatter.

The last thing I ever wanted was to cause pain to anyone. I was sucked into a selfish need that I thought required to be full-filled and almost lost everything. This blog today isn't just to rant on me being a new form of "fucked up" in the head kinda of way but at least you know....haha.

I will start a new blog here soon, but I'm closing Me, Myself, and the baggage.... In order to start over, I have to close all the pain and most of these blogs stem from it.

One final note. You may have been exposed to information...but no matter what you will never know the whole truth and the meaning behind that. Remember that when you make a choice on what to say, who to talk to you, and especially who to confide in. 

People Investing

Okay, so I haven't really been myself lately. I haven't been able to sit back and enjoy anything. This time of year should be all about pool side with a beer and enjoying family and friends. It should be anyways. I wish I didn't have such a hard time disconnecting with certain things. Its really what has been holding me back. I've always been a true believer of "Everything happens for a Reason" kinda girl. Anyone that comes in your life has a purpose, opportunities arise only when its the right time...blah blah blah blah.

Okay so, here is my point I guess. At least I think I have one. I meet someone new so whether or not its a five minute convo or I get to hang out with them all day, I will be over analyzing them. I can't help it. I gotta see if they have a purpose for me or not. If I'm going to invest myself in someone's life then I gotta see if their even worth it, right? So what if this scenario comes into play: Someone new comes in the picture...they have a tremendous amount to offer and then just disappears. Completely. How do you separate from that? I invest everything of me in people. Others get a different degree of investment but its still pretty much the same. My days have changed because that person is in it. Then....it just stops. The purpose for that other person wasn't fullfilled and now there is ending to it without my doing. So it sucks. Kinda hard to take a foot forward when that person that once was there isn't walking with you.

For instance, I had a friend. A best friend mind you that we were inseparable. Finished each others sentences....did something with every day. Sitting in my garage blaring Hank Williams Jr. and being drunk, playing beer pong....her throwing up in my driveway and coming back to do another shot. This summer is now going to be different. She isn't here nor is she going to be. I still to this day don't know what happened. Where did she go? It hurts...truly does. I have no closure. I have to just keep moving forward and its just hard. So what is the reason for this? What is its purpose? Is it to teach me a lesson of some kind? If it is...then I'm clueless and need some schooling. I miss my friend.

Now, especially with numerous others that just came in my life have left has made me a bit scared to invest in someone else. I still have just a few people I can count on....but yet again, will they disappear too? Is anything anymore something you can always count on?

Every year, especially for the past 5 years, my husband I throw one really big party for the 4th of July. Its nice to be with our friends, cooking out, drinking and then get watch a grand fireworks display. Always a good time and a guareenteed hangover the next day if you do it right. We were sitting there talking about it for this year. The invite list has grown much smaller then the years before. People have just come and gone. Its sad really. What happened to all of them? Kinda hard not to do some self reflection to see what the hell we are doing wrong. Then again....as much as we tried to put the blame on us it isn't.

I've been working really hard to find internships and jobs out of the state. Thinking of just fully moving forward and starting over. New life, new job, new friends. Thinking its the area we are in that has just smothered us with heartache. People suck anymore and I'm sick of it. We could always move away to start somewhere new but the likelihood of heartache will happen again. Its just the way the world works. You have to take a chance on people. You have to hope that they will like you and be able to see a purpose of you for their life as you do to them.

I have a small list of people that I can't let go from. Still care for them and wish they were back to how they used to be. I just have to deal with pretending they didn't exist. Its hard. I don't want to do it. Looks like I'm just going to have to.

not "WINNING"

I should live the life of not being surprised of the unexpected. It swings its ugly head at me every chance it gets. Not only is it the unexpected, but it sucks. It freaking sucks. Life is hard...I get it. Believe me I do. I've always tried to look at the glass half full instead of half empty. I've been appreciative of the success I've achieved so far and hopeful for the future. Anymore it almost seems like a waste of time. It seems like any situation anymore can turn to be the worst thing either for me or my family or hell even for someone else.

How do you lift your head from defeat? How do you hang a white flag to surrender for someone to know? Why is it that no matter how hard I try to be the best that I can be...I fail...and miserably.

Maybe my first tattoo should be on my forehead and say "shit on me...everyone else does". Maybe then someone would actually reconsider of sucking whatever goodness is left of me from me. See...there I go being optimistic again. Even in a shitty situation. I can't change. I can't change my outlook on things and I wish I could. I could sit here for hours raging on what I want...how I want to get it...how I wish for things to no end. Maybe now my exhaustion level has hit a new high. I don't know.I'm a mess.

One thing though I could definitely go without is just making a decision. A decision that will not only affect me...but everyone else around me. Life changing.... I think this maybe the only time I would beg to be controlled. Be told what to do so the affects of the decision couldn't be blamed on me when they falter. Yet I still feel like the bad person. I don't want to be that person that keeps making the worst decision after the worst. Yet that is what it is. Right now I'm lost and when I thought I made a decision on what to do...its wrong. I just can't win. I can't even say sorry because there is no value to it.

So here is me. I got nothing.

In Memory

This weekend to most is just a three day weekend. Its a chance to have an extra day off of work or school. The weather is getting warmer so the beginning of social gatherings will occur with cook-outs. People tend forget the importance of what this weekend is. Yes, technicially only one day is Memorial Day....but its not enough.

Hundreds of thousands of men and women that put forth their lives to serve for our country should get more then one day. Ya, we have Veteran's day too but realistically it just isn't enough. If you don't have a family member that is or did serve, I bet you know someone that is or did.

When I was younger, before my kids....I wanted to serve. My daddy did...as well as his father. Hell...I needed the damn structure. I needed to understand the value of the life I was given. Of course being pregnant at 18 kinda deferred my election to do so, so it never happened.

I just wanted to remind others today that there is more to this weekend then the extra sleep. There are still soldiers out there fighting, working, serving, helping to keep our country safe. Every week we lose someone to their commitment to their country. Thousands have lost their lives on our soil. So hang your flag. The American flag. Not just today but every day. When you see those strips and those stars take a moment to just say thank you. If you see a soldier, shake their hand. You don't even have to say anything....I think they will get it.

Officially though on Monday at 3pm is the national moment that we should and WILL take a moment of silence to remember those have fallen in grace of us.

Here is also a poem, written by Theadore O'Hara where her words of elegance is graced upon National Cemetery's across the US. This was found and pulled from US Department of Veteran's Affairs.

"BIVOUAC OF THE DEAD"

The muffled drum's sad roll has beat
The soldier's last tattoo;
No more on life's parade shall meet
That brave and fallen few.
On Fame's eternal camping-ground
Their silent tents are spread,
And Glory guards, with solemn round,
The bivouac of the dead.
No rumor of the foe's advance
Now swells upon the wind;
Nor troubled thought at midnight haunts
Of loved ones left behind;
No vision of the morrow's strife
The warrior's dream alarms;
No braying horn nor screaming fife
At dawn shall call to arms.
Their shriveled swords are red with rust,
Their plumed heads are bowed,
Their haughty banner, trailed in dust,
Is now their martial shroud.
And plenteous funeral tears have washed
The red stains from each brow,
And the proud forms, by battle gashed
Are free from anguish now.
The neighing troop, the flashing blade,
The bugle's stirring blast,
The charge, the dreadful cannonade,
The din and shout, are past;
Nor war's wild note nor glory's peal
Shall thrill with fierce delight
Those breasts that nevermore may feel
The rapture of the fight.
Like the fierce northern hurricane
That sweeps the great plateau,
Flushed with the triumph yet to gain,
Came down the serried foe,
Who heard the thunder of the fray
Break o'er the field beneath,
Knew well the watchword of that day
Was "Victory or death!"
Long had the doubtful conflict raged
O'er all that stricken plain,
For never fiercer fight had waged
The vengeful blood of Spain;
And still the storm of battle blew,
Still swelled the gory tide;
Not long, our stout old chieftain knew,
Such odds his strength could bide.
Twas in that hour his stern command
Called to a martyr's grave
The flower of his beloved land,
The nation's flag to save.
By rivers of their father's gore
His first-born laurels grew,
And well he deemed the sons would pour
Their lives for glory too.
For many a mother's breath has swept
O'er Angostura's plain --
And long the pitying sky has wept
Above its moldered slain.
The raven's scream, or eagle's flight,
Or shepherd's pensive lay,
Alone awakes each sullen height
That frowned o'er that dread fray.
Sons of the Dark and Bloody Ground
Ye must not slumber there,
Where stranger steps and tongues resound
Along the heedless air.
Your own proud land's heroic soil
Shall be your fitter grave;
She claims from war his richest spoil --
The ashes of her brave.
Thus 'neath their parent turf they rest,
Far from the gory field,
Borne to a Spartan mother's breast
On many a bloody shield;
The sunshine of their native sky
Smiles sadly on them here,
And kindred eyes and hearts watch by
The heroes sepulcher.
Rest on embalmed and sainted dead!
Dear as the blood ye gave;
No impious footstep shall here tread
The herbage of your grave;
Nor shall your glory be forgot
While fame her records keeps,
Or Honor points the hallowed spot
Where Valor proudly sleeps.
Yon marble minstrel's voiceless stone
In deathless song shall tell,
When many a vanquished ago has flown,
The story how ye fell;
Nor wreck, nor change, nor winter's blight,
Nor Time's remorseless doom,
Shall dim one ray of glory's light
That gilds your deathless tomb.


Theodore O’Hara

Disclaiming.......

I brought this up numerous times. It seem that it just needs to be said over and over again for everyone to just come to grips with it. So here it is yet again. My disclaimer.

What I say, what I write, comes from me and that moment of time. I could be writing about you or I could just be writing or talking about something at random. If people ever took the time to get to know me, assumptions and judgement that has been taken place lately wouldn't be occurring. I go out of my way to make a compliment and there is ulterior motive apparently. I have situations that are being misconstrued and even threaten upon me. I'm over it. Really I am.

You have a question? Ask it. You may or may not like my response but it is what it is. Quit assuming. Quit questioning. Quit all around being all up in my business and making it about you when it isn't. Judgement upon me will only be under myself and God. That's it. You may not like what I'm doing, saying, or thinking; which is your opinion but do not under any circumstance judge me. I don't know how to be any clearer. Really I don't.

I have though come to terms that my mouth will be sealed on certain things from here on out. No more asking me the status of what is going on personally because I can't afford any more drama. I'm being belittled and treated like a child and there is nothing about all of that being a good thing. So am I contradicting myself by saying in one paragraph to ask me if you have a question? Maybe a little. I will always answer a question....it just may not be the answer you're looking for.

Hate

How far would you go to hurt someone? People make mistakes all the time. Especially without thinking of the how their actions would affect another....especially with the impression to hurt them intentionally. Its so easy to get wrapped up in your own world that you don't see how it affects others. Then there are those that abuse the small bit of power they think they own and bully someone just because they think that they can. I don't get the purpose of it. Does someone actually enjoy taking everything they know and everything that they have to just destroy someone? How much hate do you need to do that?

I've always only "hated" one person in my life. I have reason for it. I have reason's to justify it. Hate is a powerful word, at least for me. Do I hate my once best friend from childhood for all the damage and drama she brought in my life? No. But I don't like her. I don't want anything more to do with her. I know though I don't hate her. I'm just done with the disappointment and hurt.

I haven't said anything for awhile for good reason.I've been dealing with a lot of disappointment and now anger. Each day passing there is something new. I have a person that seems to take every chance they get to denigrate me. Yet I have to be the one to keep my mouth shut about it. I'm being told my value of connections with people isn't what it is and how much I'm forgotten but yet I'm still being spoken of.


A lot has happened in the past month. The recoil of the events of a few days are just consistently flapping in front of me because the people that do know want to make it about them. Nobody really knows exactly what has happened except two people. One person is running a muck saying whatever to make them look better why the other is hanging their head in shame not saying anything.
 
Ever had someone recommend for you to read a book? They said it was moving and inspirational so your all excited and you read it. You feel nothing like what they did. It was the same book. You turned the pages just like they did. That is the thing. That's the concept of relationships. People get along with one another or associate differently with a person in ways that you just can't relate to even though that they are the same person.  An outsider will never get it. Don't really get why they have to see the reason why you want or choose to be friends with someone. What does it matter?

Relationships occur between two people. Just TWO. Whether its a friendship, work, or just a person you can relate to on somethings....its still a relationship that is just between those two. From the outside another may not get the purpose...let alone understand it, but isn't that the point? I've heard from time to time on people questioning me on why I have some people in  my life. They don't see the connection. Its not like I'm telling them to become friends with them or get to know them and I will not sit around trying to explain why I'm friends with them either but again...whats it matter to you who I am and not friends with and the reason for it? Then you have this: .if a friendship/relationship fails between someone and I, do not blame me for you failed friendship/relationship. I can see where it may be awkward or what not because of things are no good on my end, but directing the blame of your failures to me is not okay because you made the relationship that failed with me affect your relationship with them. I'm responsible for me. Not you. Not even others. I never denied my fuck-ups. I owned up to them. But I will not take responsibility for your choices and your personal relationships. Nope...not happening. So be pissed or whatever.

There is so much going right now. I can't hit every point because realistically I can't process it all. I can't even handle the good things right now. Every outlet I have unfortunately can't change my mistakes, my feelings, let alone my first regret I have ever had. My relationship with my family has been challenged and stressed beyond the limits. My friendships with people apparently are fake and annoyances. I have people I don't even know passing judgment on me.

Just when I thought I had hit the lowest point I ever could in my life I get hit with something that just made everything worse today. Something far and beyond worse. Like a tornado just mixed up the container store and gave everything a new lid that doesn't fit and will never work kind of bad. The fucked up thing is that the people that I thought that would have ran away by now are still there. Holding my hand even. I don't think I deserve it but I'm not going to push away from them.

Everything in life is a choice. Consequences for everything. Even the good decisions you make. This is when morality levels slips in. So would I go out and personally hurt someone? Would I get enjoyment out of it? No. Having the power to is hard to deal with as it is. So now I'm stuck with "now what". I'm mentally incapable of processing all of this right now. I know that. I do know though I'm sick of being the only on the dart board feeling pain.

"Blah"

Today I really don't have anything pertinent to say. Just some recent ramblings and some updating I guess. Today has just been one of those "blah" days. I'm definitely blaming it on the weather. Here it is May and poor Ohio has been drowning in the rain. Plus lets add the cold. Its freaking cold! Barely holding on 52 degrees at high noon....crap...crap crap...lol. Spring is supposed to be here for us to enjoy and wear less clothing for crying out loud! ;) Even the surgery cases we have had today were dragging pretty slow. Typically we would all be done by now but we are still waiting to do one more case. So here I am...writing away. Just trying to kill the time.

I wrapped up my first year of teaching last night. Super duper proud of my students. Most especially proud of my daughter Zoey. I was concerned at the beginning of the year that she may not pick up on things the way I wanted her to. Well that was both a true and false thought process on my part. She picked up on things....TONS of things. More then I thought she could. I love that she reads the story of the stations of the cross with our Priest...word for word. I LOVE that she says her "Hail Mary" prayer with perfection....even with her Rosary. My daughter proved me wrong and I'm just in awe of her because of it. Here in a couple weeks she will take her first communion. My students already did so this past weekend...but Zoey will have a private family one. It will be great and perfect just for her. ;)

Little Miss Paisley is still a super terror but the cutest. Her vocabulary is amazing, definitely no delays with that child. Now if we could just get her a mute button then all will be well.....ha! Gavin and Bradley haven't changed too much. They are highly addicted to the Wii. Kymberly's latest obsession is my laptop that she conveniently took over. Her and her friends are taking over Facebook games. At least those games are there for something!

Lets see....I did buy an xbox. Freaking love that thing! I wish I had some more time to play though. I'm usually too tired by the time I get home from work but it is what it is. I have something to do when I get bored! I need to get a little better at the COD so I can actually play with the guys. But I'm trying!!!

Work has been going good. I actually have a lot going on in that area. I've been applying for internships left and right and have been getting a lot of positive feedback on them. I have an interview this Friday with another hospital. This would give me the opportunity to get more hours in a week while I'm waiting for the surgery schedule to fill up here. School is going good. Just wish I was done already! My time will come, and I'm excited. I know what I want to do exactly so I just need to get myself to that point.

That's pretty much of everything. So there is your update!

Where were you?

To every person there are days that make a significant value to you. You know what you were wearing...you know how you were feeling and you know exactly where you were. You may not remember what you did the day before, but those events that changed you so significantly you remember. The details of the moment will never trail.

As American's we all share one day. Or so we thought. I know you have the capability to answer this question. Where were you on 9/11/01. Where were you that morning? What is your story? Yesterday gave us another day. A day of closure for some and triumph for another. There was no sadness. There was relief. There was a moment that even though its almost 10 years since we were attacked on our land.....that there was a little bit of peace. Our safety as as American's is always tested. There will always be someone that won't like the way that we live or how our government may run things down to the religious practices we profess....but this one man tore a lot away from us. Tore apart lives, created a whole new world of anxiety and fear, made us look at situations that we before took for granted to always question if its worth our life to go to a New York Yankees Game, fly to see an old friend, or go to a movie or not. This man and his followers changed us all on that day.

I know where I was on September 11th, 2001. I was at home cuddling up with my daughter. It was early in the morning and it was officially her first birthday. My friend that was staying with us at the time knocked on my door and asked to come in. I asked what was up and he said that I needed to come see the tv. I walked out with my birthday girl and as I sat on the couch I saw the second plane hit a tower. Then the phone rang. There is more to my story....but I'm sure you get the point. I'm sure you have a story too.

There is now a bunch of controversy over the proof of everything. At this point I don't care. Nothing will rain on this parade of relief I now have. There will always be speculation. I think some people still believe that Elvis is still alive. You can't convince everyone...even if they had the proof they would still question it.

Misuse of Power

Verbal abuse is the one thing that never heals. It continues to silently erode its victim's self-worth. Their ego is gone. Their emotional connectors are out of sync. Verbal denigration manifests itself as a form of physical abuse.

The classic abuser conveys a message to his victim that she is responsible for his negative behaviors; that she is a failure in most or all of the roles that she is fulfilling; and that, apart from him, she is helpless. Victims of abuse eventually come to believe that they are powerless and objects of shame. Statistically, reports of women being abuse are more common than that of men.Yes the roles of course can be reversed but its just not as common.

So...whats the point of all this seriousness? Its important to know. There are too many people out there thinking they are just meant to be where they are. I really wished I would have recorded my session with my counselor yesterday. It was empowering, educational, and realistically motivational. It was only an hour, but I was able to get a lot out. I was able to find reasons and explanations for why things have played out the way they have over the past few months. I can connect why my behavior has changed, my emotional connections and pretty much all my actions. 

I didn't grow up in a house where love didn't exist. I grew up with the understanding of love where it was "conditioned". I was loved because I was a child; but, became questioned when when I was trying to be me. I lied to create the situations where I could do what I wanted to do and be who I wanted to be because it was impossible for me to be that person at home. My parents didn't like my stubbornness, my creativity, and sense of perception. So...they created a controlled environment so I could only be me...but with catch. Obviously as an adult those conditions no longer apply. The love is just love. Instead of the conditions there are the lectures in place of them. Which works for me at this point. This though stimulated behaviors that I never healed from and apparently placed myself in because it was something I was used to. It was comfortable because it was what I knew.

Now lets take that little piece of history and place it to today. Lets also add that fun saying on where women look in a partner to find the feeling of "home" because that has been implanted in them that is what is supposed to make them happy. Its all a mirage. Here you thought it was great but realistically your stemming a situation that makes you feel like home...but yet growing up you couldn't be YOU when you were at home. It was conditioned. You just walked into a relationship that you just left and your questioning why your having issues. Why is it when you finally realized that something wasn't right and tried to be you, there was issues? Conditional love is a form of abuse. The verbalization of telling you the person your supposed to be to another is not allowing you to be accepted of the real you and over time there is that loss of who you used to be. I may not be coming out with all this right for a way for you all to understand yet...but I'm trying to figure it out. I just know I had a light go on in my head yesterday and I don't want the power to go out. For once something actually made sense and all I did was tell the truth.

I have a long way to go...but at least I have some clarity. My behavior and choices have been justified. Here these things have basically been debilitating me and isolating me....but now I see their purpose. One thing though that I need to take care of is this issue I'm having with a microscope. I have no security. I have no privacy. Everything I do is questioned and I actually believed at one point that it was for good reason....but it isn't. Nothing should validate a rationalization to take away yet another thing from me. Nothing. 

Where is your heart?

So...because I have a big mouth..........I'm sure your all aware that my husband and I for a few years have been having problems. We've been together since I was a junior in High School and have shared everyday together since. Its hard when your growing up together. You lose that opportunity to "find yourself". You also can lose touch with why you chose to be together in the first place. How strong does your love have to be to make things forever work?

I know Joe like the back of my hand. I know EVERYTHING about that man. I know how he will react with every situation and I know how he likes his steak. A lot has happened in the past year and a half where we both have given up. We were just two beings existing in a house to be there just for the kids because we didn't know how else to be. We started marriage counseling....which I think we needed way back then. I think it may have not allowed some things that have happened...well happen. I will not sit here and make excuses anymore and I think he is at the point to not either.

With each new day passing, I've been lucky enough to discover more of ME. What I want. What I need. What I definitely can go without and how to move forward. I'm finding my heart again and appreciating it. One thing I always knew was that before I ever had kids or met Joe, I knew I wanted a big family. One that was never broken. I've seen how divorce can tear a family. I've lived it. I don't have that solid foundation you should have when it comes to family. My parents got divorced right after I graduated high school. They waited until I was out of the house to then move on with their lives. I grew up thinking I was apart of a nuclear family and then was bitch-slapped with the reality of dysfunction. When you experience that, then you question if your doomed as well. When is that day going to be when everything goes to shit and you just can't deal with it anymore? I don't want my kids to have that. Then again though, I don't want them to think that they should be unhappy either.

So where is my heart? My heart is with myself, my kids, and my future. I'm putting every ounce of me into saving my marriage. I'm erasing the years of pain and struggle and giving it a go one more time because with everything that bad has happened: he is still there. He is still in love. He is forgiving. He's being that person I fell in love with 14 years ago again. I'm not going to lie, it was hard and still is hard to deal with. When I went years of questioning my relationship to actually getting what I always wanted has me looking for the fog that must be apparently clouding everything up. In other words...where is the Catch 22? Am I being a blinded dumbass walking into a set up and just going to have to wait until things go back to where I hated it? Nope. I don't think so.

I've never once questioned my love for Joe. I questioned our purpose. He knows this. It hurts to say...but it was reality. I'm not the same person I used to be. Too much has happened and has changed me completely. It has done the same to him as well. We just need to figure out how to be "us" but a whole new way. I'm giving it a go. Head first...eyes completely open. We have a long road ahead of us.....A LOT to work out. But we are now both committed. So...with the power of therapy, medication, moments of dedication....this could have a chance.

A couple weeks ago I went to confession. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. I needed to do it. I needed to take responsibility for my faults...my sins. Everything is a process. I'm taking the steps.....they may be slow and I may tumble, but I'm following my heart. I gave up once, but I'm not doing it this time.

The happy things

I been getting a lot of feedback on how that all I write is about negative things and that I rarely have anything nice to say for the good stuff that has happened in my life. I can't help that I get so wrapped up in the the highlights that I can't always share them with you all. Plus, usually when I blog its about me venting. I just need to get those damn thoughts out of my head so when I go back to it for reflection I can depict on how crazy I really am or at least figure out what to do next. Blogging is for me....its just an added benefit that I actually have people enjoy some of the shit that I say.

So I guess I will give a run down on what makes me happy right now so I can no longer be yelled at for not saying something positive.

First: My kids. My five amazing kids. Its so hard to believe sometimes that I have five but we all mold together. My oldest daughter is my rock...my little mini me. She helps me so much to maintain some sort of order with the kids. I love coming home and have them run to me with hugs and kisses and willing say that they miss me. Paisley is the one that just grabs my leg an doesn't let go until I pick her up or just tickle her free. The enjoyment of being a mother will always be the number one thing in my book. Days are hard sometimes but at the end of the day, they are all pieces of me and full of my heart and soul.

My backbone anymore is my father. The one person that I struggled to connect with growing up has been the biggest help in my life. Ya I still have some annoyances with the lectures and how I should handle things but realistically he would do anything and everything for me and the kids and he proves that on a daily basis. I enjoy just talking to him about anything and I value his words of wisdom.

 My grandmother...aka "Busha" (Czech/Polish word for grandmother) is one of my most favorite people in the world. She may have just been a housewife that raised 5 kids....but her strength is something I long for. She is strong in her Catholic faith and has always pushed me when things got rough to just believe and pray because when those moments when I need the strength the most, she is the one at 88 years old picking me up and reminding me of my heart and strength.

Another person in my life that has been making a difference is my boss. Stasia and I may have only known each other since January, but we have connected. She kinda acts like a mother figure to me and we help each other out. She pushes me to thrive in my field and is always a 100 percent supportive on what I'm trying to do. She allows me to fully embrace my career and constantly encourages for me to be happy with every decision that I make. She makes me coming into work feel like that its my safe place to be. I don't have to worry about anything when I'm there and with her and I in control, we will run the show.

I also made a new friend a couple months ago. Whether he sees it or not, I value the friendship we have. He has encourage my goals and decisions and actually helped me deal with some of the struggles I've been having. Our personalities are somewhat alike so I know when I ask a question I will get a realistic straight forward response. I need that. I need someone that will stop telling me what I want to hear just to try to make me feel better....I need that slap of reality so I can stop being distracted at the fork of the road. My future isn't stuck in a box anymore and he helped me see that and I will always be thankful to him for it.

My sister of course will always be there for me. We irritate the shit out of each other but deep down our love is strong. I've disappointed her lately, and it truly hurts that I did. One day I hope she will understand where I was coming from and that she could look past my faults. Her son is the most amazing little guy ever. He lights up my heart and I miss being able to be the Aunt that I want to be because they live so far away. I'm lucky enough to be in a field on where I will be able to travel and see both my sister and nephew a little more frequently then before. I'm forever grateful to Shawn, my sister's husband for allowing me to come down and surprise her. It was so important for me to be there for my sister and I'm counting down until when I can come back.

Few other things that have been making me happy is more trival then anything else. My iPad is awesome and I don't know how I was able to function without it. I'm becoming obsessed with the latest and greatest electronics. I love high heel shoes...spa visits and my daily naps in the tanning bed. I love the pictures my kids make me when they see I'm having a bad day an all they want to do is make me smile. I love that my friends will listen to me rant and vent whenever I need them to. I LOVE alcohol and how it makes me numb for a bit to all the stupid drama in my life. And last but not least....my elliptical. I love working out and and its changed me not only on the outside...but the inside too. Getting fit has been making my evil knee not hate me as much as it used to anymore. I'm hoping that by the end of summer I won't need all the therapy and meds that I have to take in order to get out of bed.

That's about it for now. I'm hoping to add more to that list, but only time and decisions and patience and a hell of a lot of therapy will tell. I know what I want for my future so I'm going to go work on it and get it.

Struggles with and without focus

Normally I can just start flowing with the words so I can just feel better to just have everything come out. I'm struggling with this today. I'm struggling with a lot of things lately. So this may all come out all over the place. Just a warning.

For the past year and a half I've been selfish and working on me. Made some great choices and also some pretty shitty ones. I try to find value in every situation because I believe that things happen for a reason...and one day I will figure out why. At least I hope so anyways.

So I've changed. A lot. On the outside...and on the inside. I stare in the mirror to see a stranger and when I try to to think the way I used to, then it comes out differently.Basically I'm a mess. I'm lost in my head and my heart.

Awhile back I wrote once about "What if?" moments...so I'm going to bring up again. This time from a different viewpoint. Before I used to wonder how my future would be if I took certain situations in a different path. I should know better. I have my faults and have my mistakes. I don't regret ANYTHING.

Each day we are given we should live to our fullest. Gotta quit pretending that we will have a tomorrow guaranteed to us.  I've had a lot of great things happen. I've had a lot of bad ones too. Every bit of that makes me who I am today. I can't be that person 15 years ago now.

I know one thing for sure. If I have a tomorrow, no one will walk over me. No one will control me. No one will question my intelligence and no one will crush me the way they have lately. I don't deserve it. So if you feel the need to think you can cloud my day...think again. I maybe all xanax up with moments of alcohol intake, but I pay attention. You can't mess with me anymore. You want to hurt me when all I've done was to be good to you? Then be prepared for me to fuck up your life. Plain and simple. I'm done crying. I'm done being told what I should feel or how I should act and what I should do. Years and years of mental abuse almost broke me, but I'm not letting it anymore.

I will try to work on things. I will put everything and anything into something that I feel that is worth it. I want the big happy family, a happy marriage, and great friends to share my life with. I know that one day I will be even more successful then I am now because I haven't given up on me yet. I want this...so I will work for it.

If there are those of you that want to challenge me...fine. I'm up for it. I'm just not ignorant so be prepared for the retaliation.I'm not playing nice anymore with people that don't value me as I do them. So this goes for family, friends, and complete strangers. I'm not going to shut down anymore.

Just so you know....I mean "You" as a generalization. Not calling anyone in particular out. Apparently anymore I need a disclaimer because everyone seems to think that I'm talking bad about them personally. I'm not. I've been fucked over by my own blood before so.....again. Just a generalization.

He said She said Bullshit

Drama Drama Drama Drama.............ugh. Over it. Why does it still follow me? Ever feel the same way? Its like one day you actually feel like an adult and then your bitch-slapped with gossip and profoundness definitions of characters. Does anyone ever sit back and think before they go run their mouth to others?

I will say I have had my moments myself. Usually I'm quick on my feet and can come back with something decent but occasionally even the best of us slip up. I just really despise the ones that just do it on a continuous basis. They live their lives around to trying to get as much information or dirt on someone and just jump at the chance to tell someone else.......that tells someone else...then they tell...next thing you know, everyone knows and its coming back to you. When things like this happen its almost an immediate reconsideration of your friends. If you hear something......fine. Have a damn opinion. If it doesn't personally affect you...then keep those damn conversations private and leave it at that.

Appreciate the fact that you can talk to your friends and not have to provide a disclaimer with every other word to inform that this stays between you and that person. Whether or not your thinking your doing good by opening your mouth.......doesn't mean that it is. Actually...99.9% of the time its not going to help.

Plus you have to have the one friend that is seriously the worse person to play the old school game of telephone with. Remember that game? You whisper a word or a sentence to someone....then they whisper to someone else until it gets to the last person and then the last person says what they think the first person said. The whole point of playing that game back in the day as kids was testing your communication skills. Well....we all have the retard friend that when we say, "I really don't like sushi"...but they tell the world your allergic to shellfish. See my point? I heard this example once from a friend describing a frustration they had. Kinda liked the analogy so needed to share.

I personally don't want to have to test the limits of a friendship. Right now I'm currently under quite a few of the biggest stresses of my life and I've shared limited with some...but still I put myself in a position that a person could misconstrued or go out of bounds of their new intel on me. I don't want to have to think about it...but its hard not to. Especially when you can still see the scars of the ones of the past that betrayed me.

So my dear friends, here is your lesson of the day: Someone tells you something juicy...go eat a piece of stale bread and that will be the end of it.

Another issue

I thoroughly enjoy a good debate every now and again. I don't like it though when I'm the one being more open-minded and the other isn't. We are not always going to agree because the last time I checked that we are not the same DNA make-up. Be strong in your opinion but at least be open to a different perspective. It may not change your view....but you will be a better person to know ALL options to validate your perspective.

One other thing that is good to remember that when you fail to tell the truth on something or bury your feelings, you lose value as person. They immediately look at you differently and have a hard time to even validate half the things that you say or do. Relationships are hard to maintain when you say one thing and do another. You can't have the best of both worlds when your faking a part of yourself. I'm not saying that you shouldn't ever give second chances to others because that would be giving up on that person all together. People are brought into your life for a reason. Discounting them for an error let alone a situation that you failed to take time to evaluate and just reacted to could ruin that persons involvement for your life to begin with.

With that said...I have a friend. Someone I used to hold very close that will be around soon again and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Second chances have longed passed. I'm thinking we are in the thirty something margins on now at this point. Just a little over a week I need to be prepared on what I want to do with this friendship. I know the person they used to be....but their decision making processes are just horrible. They have lost a lot because of their personal choices, but I'm still not thinking that has affected them the way that it should have. Its hard not to put judgment on another, especially since I'm not God.......but I'm struggling with this. The people you surround yourself with also represent your own identity. I'm working on my status so the last thing I need is someone around that really isn't up to par in the way that they should. I'm going to give this some time and I guess process as the situation comes when I have to see them again. I'm at least giving them that...........plus I can read someone better when they are in front of my face vs. just reading a letter. 

The Sister

So today is my Big Sister's Birthday. Not really sure how old she is...I think like 36...haha...just kidding. I just thought since I have a few moments, I will like to pay a little bit of a tribute to her on her special day.

So my sister Melissa was born WAY back in the day. She was my parents pride and joy (until I came along three years later) and her adorable blonde curly hair. She danced and excelled very early in school. She was obsessed with cleaning and Michael Jackson. Her favorite past times was usually pinching me or cleaning my room.

In all honestly when my sister and I were teenagers, we didn't get along. Like not at all. It was pretty much on the lines of hating each other and hating the fact that each of us existed together. Time strengthens you for sure. When we both were moved out of the house and pursing our "grown ups lives" we became close. Even closer as time as gone by. My sister is my best friend and I do regret our early troubled relationship. I appreciate her more then anything.

My oldest daughter Kymberly is completely in awe of her Aunt. Its actually pretty cute to see that Kymmy acts, thinks, and looks like my sister. Sometimes its hard to believe that Kymmy is my daughter and not hers!

Melissa has pursued such a challenging career. Studying not just Radiology, but Nuclear Radiology. Let me tell ya, this field is freaking scary! I took a short rotation myself in Nuclear Medicine on the Pharmacy end and it scared the crap out of me. Much respect to those that do this on a daily basis. My sister enjoys being challenged and she takes them head on. Her success is just the beginning for her and I won't be surprised if she has something else up her sleeve.

I've always looked up to my sister. She has always been so dedicated to doing something with her life and she has found more then success in that. Married to an awesome Airman that couldn't complete her better, they also share the most adorable little boy ever. Cameron is just that extra additive to make something so right even better.

So there is the basic rundown on my sis...I love her to pieces and I look forward to many more travel opportunites to come see her. I hate that she is so far away...but at least it gives me an excuse to take mini vacations ;)

Happy Birthday Melissa Victoria!! Love you!

Location:Hamilton Square Blvd,Groveport,United States

Knocked Up

I was talking to one of my friends the other day. Her clock is ticking at a rapid rate and is trying to get prego. I'm excited because I will be an Aunt to an amazing little babe...

Personally it doesn't take me  much to become knocked up. Someone looks at me funny and boom I'm prego. Good thing I always wanted a big family because otherwise my uterus and I would be in a fight. Fertile Myrtle right here for sure.

The most common ways out there is to track your ovulation. The kits are found in your local Pharmacy. Plus I hope your flexible because you'll be "WINNING" if you are. Just wrap those feet behind your head when he fires away and chill out for a bit...just like that. Make those swimmers have a freaking direction!

I also hear things how women start taking prenatal vitamins and avoid certain foods and alcohol. Realistically if your body is ready it will happen. Besides, usually the unexpected happens when your drunk off your ass anyways and forgot the condom let alone that birth control pill. Plus usually when you want something really bad...your body will make it NOT happen. People that usually try to plan every ounce of their life will hit a point of disappointment eventually. You tend forget that whole mind over matter situation. Its a powerful thing....especially when you don't understand your brain to begin with.

So as a special announcement, I am NOT pregnant for once. I'm the girl now that does a freaking happy dance when the evilness arrives. I have no problem being the "Aunt" just as long as I'm no longer carrying! So get out there and have sex and make some babies!

The Queef

Okay..here is an interesting topic. Embarrassing shit happens all the time. The last thing we want is one less thing to worry about when we are having sex with someone. We are already freaked out by how we look naked.....Guys are hoping they are big enough...girls are hoping they are small enough. So lets add another thing. You know about it. It may even make you laugh your ass off like it does me So what the hell am I talking about? The Queef. Thats right....the Queef. 

But you know something? Guys can't do it....so they are freaked out by it, which on the other hand makes us girls feel even weirder about it. So what do you do if it happens? How do you not lose that awesome sexiness that got you all naked in the first place?

So I'm a little different maybe from other people, but I actually know when its going to happen. It happens when your switching positions a lot....mostly from a long period of the doggy to the missionary. I personally can do this little wiggle to adjust my hips and balance out that pressure that is going on before he re-enters.


But sometimes there's nothing that can be done about it, and I can't get control of it, and it's unstoppable and seemingly goes on forever. And then when I think it's stopped, some more squeaks out. I know in my head that it's stupid to be embarrassed about it, but when you're fucking someone for the first time, and your vagina is performing a symphony, it's kinda hard to not cringe with your whole being.

Laughing is always the best medicine...it actually may make the sound effects even louder but oh well. Its a natural occurrence that really means the guy did a pretty damn good job. If you ignore it...things get awkward...you don't want to lose your evening or worse...like round two.

It was but it isn't....but it should.

Don't you hate it when you get yourself in situations that you just can't mentally process? It doesn't help that when you do come across something that you absolutely were not expecting let alone looking for and then when things don't go the way anticipated your even more screwed up then before. Fun Fun....not.

You live you learn right? I'm really hating that saying....along with, "It is what it is". Life can just suck it at this point. I hate the ups and downs and I never really get anywhere for the in between. I did though learn a lot about myself in the past two months. Things to do...not do. So at least there was learning involved. I just wished first impressions and incidences out of my control weren't on the table to be considered to throw away my value, but I can't really do anything about that can I?

As usual, I have a plan. Always looking to the future is what my focus should be. I just need to become accustom to not having things go my way and if they don't not shut down like I've been doing lately. I have a business plan for my financial future, an education plan that will push me to my own personal great expectations, and a fantastic family that I would be lost without. I just have to accept all that and be thankful for it. Plain and simple. Its just so hard to know that there is something fantastic out there, that got so screwed up, a reflection of my true self misinterpreted by craziness, and my heart is broken.

I thought blogging it all out would help...but it didn't. Maybe because it has to be cryptic....but yet again, if I said all the details it wouldn't change anything anyways.

All over the damn place....

So apparently I lost my tomboy roots. I think they are still there but maybe I upscaled it a bit. ;) Its been a long time that I could just go out and do things for me,. Either I wasn't allowed or when the opportunity arose, I would just use what money I had and spent it on my kiddos. You get sucked into being selfless as a mother and lose the selfishness. This in fact is a good thing though. Many women out there that don't have that inter-change in their head of litterally giving up their life for their child usually fail as a parent.
I'm not saying I'm the best mom out there....I just know I'm a lot better then some people. Its like an click in your brain. The minute your lay eyes on your newborn baby it should happen. You should immediately be able to sacrifice anything and everything for the child. If you have hesitation then you have issues.
I'm getting so sick and tired of turning on the news and here these tragic stories of child abuse and murder. Women leaving their precious babies with "new" boyfriends and come home to find their child dead and are confused on why on earth that would happen to them. Just because you were dumb enough to let him get it in, doesn't mean he could be valued as someone that could instantly fall in love with your child like you did. You have that love, then you'll be protected.
I still to this day only have a short list of people that have ever cared for my children.. It takes a lot of work and stress to know you have the right person there for your loved ones. Its hard and I have missed out on a lot of opportunities because of a lack of a sitter. But there is that sacrifice again. I may love this person dearly but if I have at all any hesitation then its not happening,. I don't ever want that phone call that something happened. Especially when the one time that I did hire a private sitter that came with a 1000 references, passed a FBI background check....sexually assaulted one of kids. Unfortunately I couldn't have her arrested. Not enough evidence. All I could do at the time was file a report, notify the other parents that used her services and that was it. Sad isn't it. I reflect back on it all the time. I wasn't there to protect my child and I put her in that situation. Its rough. We make mistakes. I just know now that I would never bring in a stranger again. I couldn't do it,.

I also look around on facebook and read about these girls that are pregnant and still doing stupid shit. Whats the point of a 7 month prego lady going to a kegger??? Thats classy....good call there mama. Oh and hearing about these chicks that drink alcohol and use drugs during their pregnancy. Sickening.....Obviously they are extremely uneducated. If your still using drugs, you probably didn't mean to even get pregnant in the first place. You may not even know what birth control is or condoms. So now you have this uneducated person, using drugs, and bringing a new life in this world. Its 9 months too. Its not like your going to be knocked up for two years...its 9 fucking months. You seriously can't go without drugs and alcohol that long??? You pass that point and give up that baby to someone that can't have kids. Someone that will care for that baby that you obviously can't even do with it in your belly. This just frustrates me so.

I guess maybe this is why I have so much disgust for an old friend of mine. She chose drugs over her kids. These amazing kids lose out on a mom that I knew once to be an awesome person. When she lost them....I did too. My heart breaks for those kids. My whole body hates my once friend. I understand addiction...I really do and I am getting sick and tired of people that are labeled addicts telling me that I don't. They lost focused on reality. Perception too.  Just because your an addict, doesn't mean that all your bad behavior that stems from it is okay. My friend is an addict. She will be labeled that for the rest of her life. She is also a failure of being a parent. Which label is worse? You ask her...she would say being an addict. Which is sad. Being a parent is a gift. Not everyone gets that gift. Then you fuck it up and all you can say is that well..."I'm an addict. Thats what I get". Bullshit.

Geez...I just blabbed on all over the place. I was trying to get to the point to just saying I've turned into a high maintenance chick. lol One of my friends actually last night said I was. I thought it was funny. I once was the chick that lived in a tshirt, comfy pants and flip flops. Now I'm with my hair did, nails did, makeup perfectly distributed, tan, blinged out, dressed to the T in designer wear and oh....super duper awesomer....lol.

PS...if I spelled something wrong, who cares. ;P

Lets talk about sex....well its not all about sex.

Okay yes I typically bitch about how not fantastic my life is. But today I have something to address. Something very specific and pretty much going to be the most useful information that a couple or a marriage absolutely needs to know about.
So...what are the fundamentals of a strong relationship? You need no issues with money, have effective communication and a great sexual relationship. Those are the core strong ones...but because its my blog and and all about me, I would also like to add another possible importance. That would be religion.

Okay...so lets start with usually the biggest issue. Communication. Guess what. Everyone sucks at it. Well...except me...but anyways you need to have effective communication. You expect it from your friends, your family, hell even at work so why do you have dance around your personal relationship with partner? If your woman asked you if she looked fat in a dress...well lets picture this first. Size 4 dress on a size 18 chick...then what would your respond? I bet you a 100 bucks your going say something like," Oh baby your beautiful." Shut the fuck up. Your really a douchebag. Here you are going to let this poor girl go out in public because she heard you say that she was beautiful. So now you have a bigger issue to deal with. Why is it so hard to say..."um sweetie, that dress just isn't your thing. Put on my favorite black dress..its better." Now guys did you get all that? Not only did you answer the question...you in a way effectively communicated with your woman. You made her WANT to put the other dress on versus being stuck answering a question that if you said yes to where you would most likely are getting slapped. Girls...you drive me nuts too. You CONTROL everything. Its really ridiculous. You almost formulate your man to not talk to you appropriately because you flip out on pretty much everything. Its not fair to them. Your going to get to the point of not even know really whats going on in their heads anymore because you have set a path for them to think and to speak. Nice job.
Lets see...whats next. Oh yes. The fun topic. SEX. You absolutely have to have a great sex life with your partner. No ifs and or buts...well you need butts...what? You really do.  Anyways, I'm not talking this mechanical type of setup. For instance, if you know that Mondays and Tuesdays and Fridays are the days your allowed to tap that ass then this isn't a good formulation. You should actually want to be able to have sex with your partner any second and at any moment of the day. The days you should be looking at is the ones you actually fought the urge to actually have sex. If your having personal issues or what not with the whole sex thing well go get some help from a doc...or lets put the communication in here: Talk with your partner. Change positions. Find something that works so you get to enjoy every ounce of amazingness that sex is and supposed to be. Not having sex just leads to built of regular frustration and sexual frustration. Your plugging the tea kettle. You should never plug it. That shit will explode in nothing good and a lot of people could get hurt. Just saying........
I do have two other issues to address like I said in the begining, but I just saw the time so I kinda need put a pause here. So...I will continue on hopefully tomorrow. Until then...think about what I've talked about so far. You work it all out with your partner then you should be pretty happy. ;) 

To live or not to

When you hear of someone commiting suicide what do you think of them? If you knew ways to prevent it, would you have the strength and power to step in?

Depression is something that everyone at one point deals with. We are not built right in life to handle everything that comes our way appropriately. When something goes wrong we drain on ourselves as failures. It doesn't help when everything starts turning against you. Your powerless and the thought of being good again is not even existence.

I'm a firm believer in medications and therapy. How else are you supposed to change mind over matter? Once you create a feeling or a thought, your perception becomes limited unless proven wrong. Try changing a depressed person.

I've had my moments before. I've had everything I thought at the time be so devastating that even I took a whole bottle of pills and held a gun in my hand. Disgusting isn't? It is to me now of course. I let my limited perception about to get the best of me. I'm obviously fine now, this was very many years ago...but I guess it felt needed to be known. I don't wrap myself to be an expert. I just know that I know how it feels. I truly do. Life is hard. Plain and simple. I was lucky enough to be hit by what life is to me to value it again. Most people don't get that.

So back to my question....if you knew that someone was so lost that they were on the verge of just giving up on everything, what would you do? The warning signs are there. People say all the time that they didn't have a clue, but in all reality there was something. It takes one person to step in. I takes one occurrence to make a difference. I don't care if you even like the person, if you saw it what would you do? 

When I used to have a bad day and was just pissed off at everything, I would be at work and just happen to walk through the SICU (Surgical Intensive Care Unit) or the MICU (Medical Intensive Care Unit). Then...it hits me. These people are having a bad day...not me. We get so angry at the world and forget what we were given to appreciate. It frustrates me that there is person out there right now lost when there is so much worse things out there. You think you have it bad? Well someone is dealing with something worse.

I guess I really don't have too much of a point here. Maybe I'm a little lost myself tonight. I just know if I could help someone I would. The only thing is, that I have no clue on how to help. In my situation I guess its even more frustrating since I know this person so well that I know they have something. Many things to actually be a purpose but they refused that they were even purposeful.

So I guess if you have any advice then give it. If you don't...well thats okay too. Lastly...just because it is a blog in all, if you have suicidal thoughts or tendencies please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Did ya get that?

One of my favorite quotes, "The Greatest Mistake in life is to be continuing fearing of making one." I started with this because something that I thought I was living by, but has now taken over every inch of me of irony.
In a way I'm kinda pissed off. See, here I was just finally taking control over everything of my life. Making choices, accepting responsibility and taking charge were my focus. All of that drove me to where I sit today. I still have a lot of things falling apart around me, but I've conquered many of my goals I set out. The part that makes me mad is having things throw me in a 360 degree tailspin. Most of the these things are not bad, they are actually amazing. My complaint I guess is because I didn't plan these. I didn't set out for them. So now I'm stuck waiting for that catch-22.....you know that its too good to be true so where the shitty thing you want to tell me. I'm questioning everything beyond my normal questioning. (Which is a big fing deal) Half the time I'm not even making any sense even to myself let alone to others.
So....I guess I still don't even really know what I'm saying. Its just me a confused chick that has all new wants and needs with a big plate of everything being handed to her and just wants water for now. Maybe just water.....UGH!!!!!!!!

Too close for comfort

So I have a daughter that is autistic. She goes to a special private school. On top of that, we a have a driving service that takes her to and from there. All last week she was really sick so she stayed home from school. After calling the driver this morning to see if there was school today I was notified of something that I wish I didn't even hear.

As a parent, the last thing you want to hear is that your child was hurt and you weren't there to make sure that they are okay. Apparently on this past Friday, our driver and another special needs child that goes to my daughter's school was T-boned at an intersection out here in Pickerington. The driver is pretty bruised up and the child had a gash in his head that needed over 15 stitches. If my daughter was with them, she would have had the full impact of where the other car hit. Who knows what would have happened.

I'm so glad that everyone is okay....but now my greatest fear just could have happened.

Its just Business

I maybe enjoying my business classes too much, but it has lit a new fire under my ass. My focus has been clearer and my drive for success has been branched out to areas I never knew I wanted to reach.

I always knew I wanted to be someone. Not just someone's wife, not just a mother, but someone that has influenced at least something positive in life. It doesn't mean I have to have a long list of achievements and be the center of everyone's attention, I just want that feeling that my goals and achievements changed not only my life, but someone else too.

Life is about taking risks. You need to put everything on the line to make sure that your full focus is set right. It makes achievements earned just like the failures.

"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same."
Carlos Castaneda

Once upon a time.....

Here is story. Its a happy one I promise. I should I have done this yesterday since it was the big mile marker....but you should understand the lack of time on my point. But here is the effort. The big one. Here is the story of the beginning of my heart. Here is the story of Joe and I.

Katie and Donnie :)

It was many, many, years ago. 14 to be a fact. I was young and so was he. I was out and about with my best girlfriends and my dear friend Donnie. We were out and about and doing what we do best...causing trouble. Too keep our party going we needed to make a stop. A refill on our party requirements. Donnie said he knew exactly where to go to make this happen. So...three girls and a guy went to an apartment. A Gigantic man answered the door. He was in awe of what he saw. It was almost like he wanted to high five Donnie for the ability to have three hot amazing girls with him...(so he should have gotten a high five! ;) ) We were invited in and advised to go to the basement. ya...basement of a strange apartment shouldn't have been a good thing to do....but thats what you get when your young and dumb and clutching pepper spray.

I walk downstairs and here is what I see. A guy sitting on the floor in glitter pants looking pretty much asleep, a small skinny guy with no shirt on, and then a blonde haired girl. Holy shit! It was my girl Brooke that I worked with at Donatos! I was so happy to see her and confused on the randomness but was rest assured not to be scared on where I was. We immediately started talking and I ignored everything else around me. We got our party favors from the skinny guy and then I turned to leave. There was that guy in those glitter pants. Adorable in a way.....gorgeous face and eyes and then mr. glitter pants said, "Hi...my name is Joe"....and he was trying to stand up but it didn't work out for him because a bed rail he was leaning on about crushed him due to his movement. It was really funny. I grabbed his hand and said Hi and told him my name. Then said bye to all of them and left with my friends.

Justin....never ever really wore shirts that much....lol

Two days later I went to Fudruckers because Donnie needed me to stop over there for some reason. So I did. He got me a chocolate milkshake so I sat in the smoking section and slurped away and read some magazine just waiting. A few minutes later here comes a tall blonde hair guy dressed in normal clothes, skinny guy with a shirt on finally and another guy in a black trench coat. They sat on the opposite side of the smoking section and ordered food. It was just us back there I felt like they were just staring and talking about me. So.....I get up and go back to the kitchen to grab Donnie to see why in the hell I was there. He said well....my friend is into you...but he's shy. I asked which one, and then Mr. glitter pants pokes his head in the back and told Donnie to hurry up with his food jokingly and then looks at me and says Hi with an adorable smile. Mr. glitter pants then left to go back to his seat and then Donnie says...."That one".  I then felt like I was going to puke. Since when does the really hot amazing guy look my way??? I then went back to my seat to have a cig. Small skinny guy...aka Justin, said, "will you just come sit with us already???" So I did. We joked around like we were all friends already....but then guess who blows up my pager. It was my dad. Shit. I'm supposed to be at work so I had to leave and rush to Donatos so my cover wasn't blown. You see caller Id just came out so my dad needed me to prove I was at work....so I needed to get there. Before I left Joe grabbed me and insisted I come over that night. I said sure and he gave me his number to let him know when I was able to come by. I then rushed out of there like a bat outta hell and proved to the dad that I was at work with my manager advising as well that I'm working all night....(God I loved working there!! They covered me so much with the dad!! ) Then off I went. Back to that apartment. This time I got to go upstairs. Joe was there with trench coat guy. Trench coat guy was weird. His name is Steve. They were both playing a video game and was excited that I was there. We hung out for a couple hours....smoked...then I needed to go home. My fake shift at work was coming to a close. Joe walked me out to my car and gave me hug. Just a hug. I gave him my number and pager number to get ahold of me. And that was it. (Ps...weird trench coat guy is now my bestest guy friend ever. Especially since we made him lose the trench coat! ;) )

Situation like this is confusing to a teenage girl. He acted like he was so into me but just gave me a hug??? I was confused....but filled with butterflies. I was overwhelmed with happiness and went home. We talked every night the whole week....and planned the next time we could hang out. I decided we should go see my friend Katie so thats what we did. At Katie's....I got my kiss. It was perfect. Bone chilling.....goose pimples all the way down to my toes. Even Katie was excited. It was like she was witnessing history. Thats exactly what it was. The beginning of my life with Joe began.

We've grown up together...and sometimes we have grown apart but then we find the reason on why we are together in the first place. Its not fate...its not destiny. Its the fact that when we kiss....even 14 years later. Its bone chilling....goose pimples all the way to my toes. Its more then just a kiss. Its love. The strongest that you would ever know. 

What you see is not what you get.....

Here we go again. Another night of having to think about pros and cons. Things would be so much easier if they could just go back to how things were like 5 maybe 6 years ago. Come to think of it I'm not sure if that was a good time either. I've never really sat back and really took a look at my past. I just always had the habit of focusing only on the positive things. Why dread on the ugliest of people? We all have our moments. I have many that I'm not proud of and the last thing that I would want happen is for people to remember me just of those bad moments.

I've had a lot thrown at me the past couple of weeks. I will admit, that I'm ready to crash and burn.....but I don't think I have time to. Luckily the easiest thing I have to deal with is work. Its safe to say that work doesn't stress me at all. I love every ounce of my job. Its just everything else around me that pretty much sucks.  I have friends that are struggling and looking to me for support and I just don't have the energy to give. I just have so many of my own personal issues that I don't think right now I'm the best person to be giving advice. I could be wrong....but if I was in a good place right now I wouldn't be multi-tasking while writing this to see what psychiatrists are in my area to go see so I can get some damn xanax! Ps...not joking!  I know I need more than a damn pill but hey...got to start somewhere! On top of my friends, I have my kiddos. I barely have enough time to go over their homework let alone my own. I know in the long run that my schooling will provide a better future for them and I, but this process already is draining on me and on them. 
I'm at a loss. I have no direction. This would be so much easier if he would just say and do exactly what he wants....that way I can then focus on what to do next. Its like chess......I can't go first. You have to. Sorry to just throw that in here. I guess it goes without saying that pretty much the only people that read this anyways knows that I'm having horrible relationship issues. I don't want to be that person that just says nasty things about their husband and have the whole world to read it......I don't want to deface him. My issues are mine. I want to make that clear. I blog to vent....it makes me feel better. I don't blog to put someones name out there to just talk about poorly. Now with that said....I will say this. I am miserable. The man I fell in love with many years ago is making me that way. I'm at the point at which that I'm constantly talking myself out of retreating. I keep hoping that things will just get better. I should know though that the circumstances always point to No.
When someone has given up on themselves......it is made impossible to convince them otherwise. I've tried to help....I tried to do whatever I could to but still..things are getting worse.

I was actually having a really good night tonight. We were enjoying ourselves as a family. Just like it used to be. But it all changed. Just like that. I thought I saw change......but thats not what I got.

A review....and a Misson ;)

So....Cage the Elephant. I heart them so. I FINALLY got their new album. Which by the way....I went to Best Buy for the sole reason for this purchase, and can you please explain to me why it took forever to find where in the hell the CD's were?? Did people just stop buying CD's all together or something? I personally do download myself (Paying for the downloads) ...but I still also enjoy purchasing an actual CD too. Its almost like CD's now are like 8 tracks and vinyl. I felt so off....like it was wrong for me to even be seen purchase a CD...whatever.

So needless to say I'm in love with CTE even more. Love LOVE LOOOOVVVVEEE the new album. I seriously can't stop listening to it. PS...my new Alma mater is "Always Something"...just so you know. ;)

Another thing I wanted to bring up today is that I'm on a mission. You see....someone contacted me through this website that I have connected to facebook. The purpose of this website is to be able to ask me any question you want and I have no clue who is asking the question unless they tell me. Anyways....so nobody has written on it in over a year. The only reason why I know this person did is because it emails me when someone does. The person has give me hints but they have not helped. Trying to filter through my 650 facebook friends with limited filter material really hasn't gotten anywhere......then again I also though that this person could just be messing with me. Let me just say...its working. Its seriously driving me nuts! You can't torture a girl......so if the person in question is reading this blog, you are required to at least give me more hints ;) Help a girl out!!!

Balancing Act

Okay....so my last post was rather dreary and personal. I'm not going to apologize for it. I guess you should call me an emotional writer. I literally was in a fight and walked away and blogged that....plus there was more to it but honestly I've just been trying to drown all that out and just focus on what is important right now. Who needs a personal life to work out all the time anyways?

Now...focusing on what I have been hasn't been easy. I feel like I'm more scatterbrained then I have ever been. I have a lot on my plate...yes, but I love what I'm doing. I LOVE my job. Plus...just to make it better, I discovered today that since we have a plastic specialty in-house...that I get a huge discount on plastic surgery!!!! Ya to boobs!!!! hahaha ;)

On top of having work, I have school. That starts on the 24th I think and I just now ordered my books. I have an assignment due I think the first day too. I hope Amazon will hurry the hell up with my stuff because I definitely do not want to be starting this semester on the wrong foot. Not at all. I just really want school to be officially done and over with but knowing my luck, I would find something to get a Ph.D in that I think I need. Yet again though, I think I'm pretty set on my goals. I have two big exams in the "Pharmacy World" coming up so I will have even more credentials under my hat and of course that will increase my pay grade even more so I need to have time to study for those. I'm taking one exam specifically in 2 1/2 weeks. I guess I'm telling you all this to not freak out if you don't hear from me. Plus I'm sure your following on Facebook so your not lost......not that you care anyways what goes on. I just think that you do so I'm informing. :)

Other than that.....thats it for now.

No Dice.....

I may not have completed much in my life or have followed through with many things but I still have thought I was a good person. I still thought I was good enough to be loved. My failures were ones of my own and it didn't help for the troubles and hardships that I had to deal with along the way. By no means have I ever said I was perfect. All I ever wanted was to be loved, to be believed in and to be valued. Thats it. But yet to the one person that I put everything of me into just said I don't deserve it.
So where do I go from here? What do you say to that?

I could go get on my high horse and prove it wrong....but then what is point? Especially when its thought that I can't finish or they are just waiting around until I fuck something up. I'm exhausted of the fighting and never being good enough. I'm exhausted on trying to make things better because all that happens is another fight or I'm let down.

I can see where the other side could say that  I'm just trying to get attention or trying to pull the sympathy card when all they were doing is using "Tough Love"....but realistically if someone has expectations of someone then its what they created for them. So really it could that its impossible for that person to even be that way. I do that with people. Not everyone...but to some. I see something in them that they can't or I see something in them that I want to change and work for me. Realistically though, if that person doesn't change on their own, they definitely will not change if its been forced upon them.

I can talk in circles to support my side....I'm sure they can talk in circles to support theirs. I know because I just tried to talk to them. I apparently have to make a choice in my life to either tolerate being treated like shit because "I deserve it" or move on a completely "NOT WANTED"  direction.

I've made mistakes that have affected others. I'm human just like everyone else. All I asked was for another chance. Support. Hope. Something. I just needed to know if they were in my court. So instead of a Yes or a No....I got something worse and I don't know what to do with that. I really don't.

Don't pop my bubble!

Its amazing how I went from this high of being in a happy hypnotic bubble to have it tried to be popped by an evil thing with a pointed on fire shiny stick. Yes that was a lot of nonsense and adjectives but I have describe my issue appropriately!!! Well its not amazing. Its annoying. Its really not needed and I would prefer to be avoidable......but since thats not happening so I'm blogging.

I want to say I'm looking for guidance but honestly a quick fix would be preferable. That means I need an instant million dollar lottery winnings so hurry up with that okay???  Really....I do. Thats my quick fix. I personally don't think it will help but I was told that was the option.

Now I'm done talking lottery. Realistically I have a problem and I don't know how to fix it. Usually I would talk myself out of anything or have the ability to persuade with my words.. Like I've talked myself out of being grounded....about 22 speeding tickets, being arrested, and job opportunities and I think maybe my marriage. But....I found something I can't persuade or talk the other person out of. My words will not do justice. You see...when you deal with person with severe depression, a cookie can become their enemy. A dollar bill could turn them.....a smile could torture them. The only way I know of how to help someone that is depressed is too talk them out of it or sneak anti-depressants in their coffee. Those options are not options with this person I'm talking about so I have absolutely no clue on how to help them....at all.
This person is beyond close to me. Thats why my world in the amazing happy bubble of my new and fabulous job is about to popped. Not that the job is going anywhere....just my enjoyment might go. You see when this person is happy, I'm happy. When their sad...I'm sad. blah blah blah...etc. So...needless to say I'm trying to rub off my happiness on them and its not working..its backfiring. big time.

I just don't want one day to come that there won't be anything for me to do because that person is gone. They gave up because I couldn't figure out how to help. Its that serious and that scary. I know that. I feel that...and I can't stand it. Its not me...in case you wondering.Remember....Happy Bubble....lol

Okay now really. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with a severely depressed person??  Or do you have lottery tickets you want to buy and give me to win on??? Anyone??

little Blurb

I should probably wait until later in the day to give you the update....but I'm sitting here with tons of time and nothing really to do with it so you guys get a blurb. Not a big one...just a little blurb.

So I'm a bit complexed at the moment. You see when a girl isn't exactly sure what to where, its kinda a big deal. You might be laughing....but really it is. Luckily I will be at work really early so I can scan out my schedule.....but I'm still wondering if I should just put my scrubs on now to just get it over with. Plus another thing.....my boss said its cool to wear jeans. Usually people would throw up their hands in excitement to hear that but this confuses me even more. Maybe I'm just getting snobby and self centered with my new role, but to me.....it doesn't seem appropriate for management to do so. So....I'm wearing my jeans..along with heals. :) I highly doubt I would be thrown into a board meeting off the bat so I'm taking my chances....besides. I am wearing the jeans she told me to but dressed up a bit.

Well....I will followup this evening and give the low down. I'm excited and anxious so I better go touch up my make-up and get on out here! 

Moving forward with an attention whore.

"It is for us to pray not for tasks equal to our powers, but for powers equal to our tasks, to go forward with a great desire forever beating at the door of our hearts as we travel toward our distant goal." Hellen Keller


So I get up this morning. Apparently my other half is still failing to meet his Mr. Mom duties because guess who was still in charge of emptying the house? Ya...he did though make it from the bed to the couch in clothing though so he gets sorta of a point for effort. I'm now worried that he won't be able to actually take over. Technically mornings here are simple....that is if you get up in time to do so. You do have to follow around the oldest child and yell a continuous checklist of  brush teeth & hair, socks & shoes, you don't match, and is your library book in your book bag??? Other than that its a breeze.

Now...lets just hope he can do it. I was hoping to be able to test him but that obviously didn't work in my favor. Now I bet on my first day gone I will have a text, "Where is the school?" because he obviously didn't meet the time requirements needed to scoot everyone out of the house appropriately. Then again after my surgery a couple months ago, he seemed to do well for the few days he took charge so maybe there shouldn't be a worry at all. We will just have to see.

Today even though I may not be at work, I do have a lot to do. Thank God!!! I can't stand not having anything to do. I've actually been going a little nuts with the fact that knowing I will have a full plate of expectations of me is coming but I don't get to part take in it. Weird I know. But I hunger for people to need me. Pardon me to be an attention whore but I can't help it. Is it so wrong to find enjoyment in knowing that someone absolutely needs me to finish their day let alone doing what is needed of me is my fulfillment for myself. You have a math question?? Ask me. You need drugs in the OR? Ask me. You need billing done? Ask me. You need your feet rubbed?? Don't Ask me......lol

All I'm trying to say is that I love my career to the T. Pharmacy was meant for me to pursue and I love every bit of it. Sitting in OR's, mixing chemicals, and the MATH :)....I'm a nerd for polynomials.....plus you got to love being in charge. I'm thankful for the ability to move up while I'm still goaling after all that fun stuff to add after my name. You know...PhD...fun stuff like that. I'm thankful that I have this opportunity to continue my dream. :)

Prison and Dumbasses........

You live....you learn.....you grow....right??? That's the way things are supposed to work anyways. Why on earth would somebody do the same stupid thing twice?? Its not like the whole cause and affect method would be different. Yet dumbasses are still out there making the same mistakes over and over again. Some of these dumbasses are your friends. Yep. You know you have one. That one friend that you just love to death and can't get rid of or walk out on because they are as dumb as shit and they NEED you. My friend though isn't just a mess up with small stuff....its big things too.

I've always been at a loss my whole friendship with this girl. Even when I tried to intervene and tell her what's up she would NEVER listen. You would think I would stop wasting my breathe...but I didn't. I still tried to help. For 15 years I tried to help this girl and I don't think she ever listened to me. So now you can see on why now i finally struggle with even wanting to help. This time though it really isn't help that is being asked of me. Its just being there and promising not to go anywhere. Luckily I have time to process this. She's in prison so its easier.

She became mad at me for not allowing her to call. So I made it clear in a letter the reason why. I mean what do you say to someone that is in prison? "Hey...how's your day going? How's your cellmate? Did you get hit on today during mealtime?? Did you get time in the yard??" ya....not something I would ever want to partake in for sure. The last thing I want to say to my kids is, "Shhh...Mommy is trying to call the Prison"...Maybe its wrong to think this way but I would think making a phone call in prison wouldn't be fair. Here you are in prison for mistakes that you made that you chose to do even with the regards that knowing your actions could place you in jail in the first place. Calling someone is a luxury....right? You shouldn't be allowed to know whats going on in the outside world. You shouldn't be allowed to know the gossip and who is dating who and who wore what and all the jazz.

Jail I thought is supposed to be the place where you loose your rights because you abused the ones you did have. Its almost like we take people, send them to jail (room and board, exercise, food, tv, shopping, internet, face-to-face visits and phone calls) and give them a better life then what they had in the first place. Jail is just a whole new world full of crazy people that don't have to work their asses off to pay for the roof over their head, pay for the food that goes on their table and take care of a family. It almost seems like an easier life. You really don't have any responsibilities but to not get raped in the shower right???  I could be the naive and ignorant person and not know what I'm talking about. I mean I never experienced it. Plus I never will. Then I think who is the naive one? Especially when I'm reading this last letter from her I have saying that "this place really isn't bad at all."

I have a few months still to figure what I want to do with her. Plus she knows already how I feel so if your reading this and have pin pointed on who I'm talking about and want to go run your mouth....don't because it won't make a difference. Luckily I know I'm dealing with a complete "sober" person with the letters.....but over all the time of being disappointed over and over again, I just can't help to question if I should be there for her when she gets out.

So I've lived....I learned about her......so which way should I grow????