People Investing

Okay, so I haven't really been myself lately. I haven't been able to sit back and enjoy anything. This time of year should be all about pool side with a beer and enjoying family and friends. It should be anyways. I wish I didn't have such a hard time disconnecting with certain things. Its really what has been holding me back. I've always been a true believer of "Everything happens for a Reason" kinda girl. Anyone that comes in your life has a purpose, opportunities arise only when its the right time...blah blah blah blah.

Okay so, here is my point I guess. At least I think I have one. I meet someone new so whether or not its a five minute convo or I get to hang out with them all day, I will be over analyzing them. I can't help it. I gotta see if they have a purpose for me or not. If I'm going to invest myself in someone's life then I gotta see if their even worth it, right? So what if this scenario comes into play: Someone new comes in the picture...they have a tremendous amount to offer and then just disappears. Completely. How do you separate from that? I invest everything of me in people. Others get a different degree of investment but its still pretty much the same. My days have changed because that person is in it. Then....it just stops. The purpose for that other person wasn't fullfilled and now there is ending to it without my doing. So it sucks. Kinda hard to take a foot forward when that person that once was there isn't walking with you.

For instance, I had a friend. A best friend mind you that we were inseparable. Finished each others sentences....did something with every day. Sitting in my garage blaring Hank Williams Jr. and being drunk, playing beer pong....her throwing up in my driveway and coming back to do another shot. This summer is now going to be different. She isn't here nor is she going to be. I still to this day don't know what happened. Where did she go? It hurts...truly does. I have no closure. I have to just keep moving forward and its just hard. So what is the reason for this? What is its purpose? Is it to teach me a lesson of some kind? If it is...then I'm clueless and need some schooling. I miss my friend.

Now, especially with numerous others that just came in my life have left has made me a bit scared to invest in someone else. I still have just a few people I can count on....but yet again, will they disappear too? Is anything anymore something you can always count on?

Every year, especially for the past 5 years, my husband I throw one really big party for the 4th of July. Its nice to be with our friends, cooking out, drinking and then get watch a grand fireworks display. Always a good time and a guareenteed hangover the next day if you do it right. We were sitting there talking about it for this year. The invite list has grown much smaller then the years before. People have just come and gone. Its sad really. What happened to all of them? Kinda hard not to do some self reflection to see what the hell we are doing wrong. Then again....as much as we tried to put the blame on us it isn't.

I've been working really hard to find internships and jobs out of the state. Thinking of just fully moving forward and starting over. New life, new job, new friends. Thinking its the area we are in that has just smothered us with heartache. People suck anymore and I'm sick of it. We could always move away to start somewhere new but the likelihood of heartache will happen again. Its just the way the world works. You have to take a chance on people. You have to hope that they will like you and be able to see a purpose of you for their life as you do to them.

I have a small list of people that I can't let go from. Still care for them and wish they were back to how they used to be. I just have to deal with pretending they didn't exist. Its hard. I don't want to do it. Looks like I'm just going to have to.

not "WINNING"

I should live the life of not being surprised of the unexpected. It swings its ugly head at me every chance it gets. Not only is it the unexpected, but it sucks. It freaking sucks. Life is hard...I get it. Believe me I do. I've always tried to look at the glass half full instead of half empty. I've been appreciative of the success I've achieved so far and hopeful for the future. Anymore it almost seems like a waste of time. It seems like any situation anymore can turn to be the worst thing either for me or my family or hell even for someone else.

How do you lift your head from defeat? How do you hang a white flag to surrender for someone to know? Why is it that no matter how hard I try to be the best that I can be...I fail...and miserably.

Maybe my first tattoo should be on my forehead and say "shit on me...everyone else does". Maybe then someone would actually reconsider of sucking whatever goodness is left of me from me. See...there I go being optimistic again. Even in a shitty situation. I can't change. I can't change my outlook on things and I wish I could. I could sit here for hours raging on what I want...how I want to get it...how I wish for things to no end. Maybe now my exhaustion level has hit a new high. I don't know.I'm a mess.

One thing though I could definitely go without is just making a decision. A decision that will not only affect me...but everyone else around me. Life changing.... I think this maybe the only time I would beg to be controlled. Be told what to do so the affects of the decision couldn't be blamed on me when they falter. Yet I still feel like the bad person. I don't want to be that person that keeps making the worst decision after the worst. Yet that is what it is. Right now I'm lost and when I thought I made a decision on what to do...its wrong. I just can't win. I can't even say sorry because there is no value to it.

So here is me. I got nothing.

In Memory

This weekend to most is just a three day weekend. Its a chance to have an extra day off of work or school. The weather is getting warmer so the beginning of social gatherings will occur with cook-outs. People tend forget the importance of what this weekend is. Yes, technicially only one day is Memorial Day....but its not enough.

Hundreds of thousands of men and women that put forth their lives to serve for our country should get more then one day. Ya, we have Veteran's day too but realistically it just isn't enough. If you don't have a family member that is or did serve, I bet you know someone that is or did.

When I was younger, before my kids....I wanted to serve. My daddy did...as well as his father. Hell...I needed the damn structure. I needed to understand the value of the life I was given. Of course being pregnant at 18 kinda deferred my election to do so, so it never happened.

I just wanted to remind others today that there is more to this weekend then the extra sleep. There are still soldiers out there fighting, working, serving, helping to keep our country safe. Every week we lose someone to their commitment to their country. Thousands have lost their lives on our soil. So hang your flag. The American flag. Not just today but every day. When you see those strips and those stars take a moment to just say thank you. If you see a soldier, shake their hand. You don't even have to say anything....I think they will get it.

Officially though on Monday at 3pm is the national moment that we should and WILL take a moment of silence to remember those have fallen in grace of us.

Here is also a poem, written by Theadore O'Hara where her words of elegance is graced upon National Cemetery's across the US. This was found and pulled from US Department of Veteran's Affairs.

"BIVOUAC OF THE DEAD"

The muffled drum's sad roll has beat
The soldier's last tattoo;
No more on life's parade shall meet
That brave and fallen few.
On Fame's eternal camping-ground
Their silent tents are spread,
And Glory guards, with solemn round,
The bivouac of the dead.
No rumor of the foe's advance
Now swells upon the wind;
Nor troubled thought at midnight haunts
Of loved ones left behind;
No vision of the morrow's strife
The warrior's dream alarms;
No braying horn nor screaming fife
At dawn shall call to arms.
Their shriveled swords are red with rust,
Their plumed heads are bowed,
Their haughty banner, trailed in dust,
Is now their martial shroud.
And plenteous funeral tears have washed
The red stains from each brow,
And the proud forms, by battle gashed
Are free from anguish now.
The neighing troop, the flashing blade,
The bugle's stirring blast,
The charge, the dreadful cannonade,
The din and shout, are past;
Nor war's wild note nor glory's peal
Shall thrill with fierce delight
Those breasts that nevermore may feel
The rapture of the fight.
Like the fierce northern hurricane
That sweeps the great plateau,
Flushed with the triumph yet to gain,
Came down the serried foe,
Who heard the thunder of the fray
Break o'er the field beneath,
Knew well the watchword of that day
Was "Victory or death!"
Long had the doubtful conflict raged
O'er all that stricken plain,
For never fiercer fight had waged
The vengeful blood of Spain;
And still the storm of battle blew,
Still swelled the gory tide;
Not long, our stout old chieftain knew,
Such odds his strength could bide.
Twas in that hour his stern command
Called to a martyr's grave
The flower of his beloved land,
The nation's flag to save.
By rivers of their father's gore
His first-born laurels grew,
And well he deemed the sons would pour
Their lives for glory too.
For many a mother's breath has swept
O'er Angostura's plain --
And long the pitying sky has wept
Above its moldered slain.
The raven's scream, or eagle's flight,
Or shepherd's pensive lay,
Alone awakes each sullen height
That frowned o'er that dread fray.
Sons of the Dark and Bloody Ground
Ye must not slumber there,
Where stranger steps and tongues resound
Along the heedless air.
Your own proud land's heroic soil
Shall be your fitter grave;
She claims from war his richest spoil --
The ashes of her brave.
Thus 'neath their parent turf they rest,
Far from the gory field,
Borne to a Spartan mother's breast
On many a bloody shield;
The sunshine of their native sky
Smiles sadly on them here,
And kindred eyes and hearts watch by
The heroes sepulcher.
Rest on embalmed and sainted dead!
Dear as the blood ye gave;
No impious footstep shall here tread
The herbage of your grave;
Nor shall your glory be forgot
While fame her records keeps,
Or Honor points the hallowed spot
Where Valor proudly sleeps.
Yon marble minstrel's voiceless stone
In deathless song shall tell,
When many a vanquished ago has flown,
The story how ye fell;
Nor wreck, nor change, nor winter's blight,
Nor Time's remorseless doom,
Shall dim one ray of glory's light
That gilds your deathless tomb.


Theodore O’Hara

Disclaiming.......

I brought this up numerous times. It seem that it just needs to be said over and over again for everyone to just come to grips with it. So here it is yet again. My disclaimer.

What I say, what I write, comes from me and that moment of time. I could be writing about you or I could just be writing or talking about something at random. If people ever took the time to get to know me, assumptions and judgement that has been taken place lately wouldn't be occurring. I go out of my way to make a compliment and there is ulterior motive apparently. I have situations that are being misconstrued and even threaten upon me. I'm over it. Really I am.

You have a question? Ask it. You may or may not like my response but it is what it is. Quit assuming. Quit questioning. Quit all around being all up in my business and making it about you when it isn't. Judgement upon me will only be under myself and God. That's it. You may not like what I'm doing, saying, or thinking; which is your opinion but do not under any circumstance judge me. I don't know how to be any clearer. Really I don't.

I have though come to terms that my mouth will be sealed on certain things from here on out. No more asking me the status of what is going on personally because I can't afford any more drama. I'm being belittled and treated like a child and there is nothing about all of that being a good thing. So am I contradicting myself by saying in one paragraph to ask me if you have a question? Maybe a little. I will always answer a question....it just may not be the answer you're looking for.

Hate

How far would you go to hurt someone? People make mistakes all the time. Especially without thinking of the how their actions would affect another....especially with the impression to hurt them intentionally. Its so easy to get wrapped up in your own world that you don't see how it affects others. Then there are those that abuse the small bit of power they think they own and bully someone just because they think that they can. I don't get the purpose of it. Does someone actually enjoy taking everything they know and everything that they have to just destroy someone? How much hate do you need to do that?

I've always only "hated" one person in my life. I have reason for it. I have reason's to justify it. Hate is a powerful word, at least for me. Do I hate my once best friend from childhood for all the damage and drama she brought in my life? No. But I don't like her. I don't want anything more to do with her. I know though I don't hate her. I'm just done with the disappointment and hurt.

I haven't said anything for awhile for good reason.I've been dealing with a lot of disappointment and now anger. Each day passing there is something new. I have a person that seems to take every chance they get to denigrate me. Yet I have to be the one to keep my mouth shut about it. I'm being told my value of connections with people isn't what it is and how much I'm forgotten but yet I'm still being spoken of.


A lot has happened in the past month. The recoil of the events of a few days are just consistently flapping in front of me because the people that do know want to make it about them. Nobody really knows exactly what has happened except two people. One person is running a muck saying whatever to make them look better why the other is hanging their head in shame not saying anything.
 
Ever had someone recommend for you to read a book? They said it was moving and inspirational so your all excited and you read it. You feel nothing like what they did. It was the same book. You turned the pages just like they did. That is the thing. That's the concept of relationships. People get along with one another or associate differently with a person in ways that you just can't relate to even though that they are the same person.  An outsider will never get it. Don't really get why they have to see the reason why you want or choose to be friends with someone. What does it matter?

Relationships occur between two people. Just TWO. Whether its a friendship, work, or just a person you can relate to on somethings....its still a relationship that is just between those two. From the outside another may not get the purpose...let alone understand it, but isn't that the point? I've heard from time to time on people questioning me on why I have some people in  my life. They don't see the connection. Its not like I'm telling them to become friends with them or get to know them and I will not sit around trying to explain why I'm friends with them either but again...whats it matter to you who I am and not friends with and the reason for it? Then you have this: .if a friendship/relationship fails between someone and I, do not blame me for you failed friendship/relationship. I can see where it may be awkward or what not because of things are no good on my end, but directing the blame of your failures to me is not okay because you made the relationship that failed with me affect your relationship with them. I'm responsible for me. Not you. Not even others. I never denied my fuck-ups. I owned up to them. But I will not take responsibility for your choices and your personal relationships. Nope...not happening. So be pissed or whatever.

There is so much going right now. I can't hit every point because realistically I can't process it all. I can't even handle the good things right now. Every outlet I have unfortunately can't change my mistakes, my feelings, let alone my first regret I have ever had. My relationship with my family has been challenged and stressed beyond the limits. My friendships with people apparently are fake and annoyances. I have people I don't even know passing judgment on me.

Just when I thought I had hit the lowest point I ever could in my life I get hit with something that just made everything worse today. Something far and beyond worse. Like a tornado just mixed up the container store and gave everything a new lid that doesn't fit and will never work kind of bad. The fucked up thing is that the people that I thought that would have ran away by now are still there. Holding my hand even. I don't think I deserve it but I'm not going to push away from them.

Everything in life is a choice. Consequences for everything. Even the good decisions you make. This is when morality levels slips in. So would I go out and personally hurt someone? Would I get enjoyment out of it? No. Having the power to is hard to deal with as it is. So now I'm stuck with "now what". I'm mentally incapable of processing all of this right now. I know that. I do know though I'm sick of being the only on the dart board feeling pain.

"Blah"

Today I really don't have anything pertinent to say. Just some recent ramblings and some updating I guess. Today has just been one of those "blah" days. I'm definitely blaming it on the weather. Here it is May and poor Ohio has been drowning in the rain. Plus lets add the cold. Its freaking cold! Barely holding on 52 degrees at high noon....crap...crap crap...lol. Spring is supposed to be here for us to enjoy and wear less clothing for crying out loud! ;) Even the surgery cases we have had today were dragging pretty slow. Typically we would all be done by now but we are still waiting to do one more case. So here I am...writing away. Just trying to kill the time.

I wrapped up my first year of teaching last night. Super duper proud of my students. Most especially proud of my daughter Zoey. I was concerned at the beginning of the year that she may not pick up on things the way I wanted her to. Well that was both a true and false thought process on my part. She picked up on things....TONS of things. More then I thought she could. I love that she reads the story of the stations of the cross with our Priest...word for word. I LOVE that she says her "Hail Mary" prayer with perfection....even with her Rosary. My daughter proved me wrong and I'm just in awe of her because of it. Here in a couple weeks she will take her first communion. My students already did so this past weekend...but Zoey will have a private family one. It will be great and perfect just for her. ;)

Little Miss Paisley is still a super terror but the cutest. Her vocabulary is amazing, definitely no delays with that child. Now if we could just get her a mute button then all will be well.....ha! Gavin and Bradley haven't changed too much. They are highly addicted to the Wii. Kymberly's latest obsession is my laptop that she conveniently took over. Her and her friends are taking over Facebook games. At least those games are there for something!

Lets see....I did buy an xbox. Freaking love that thing! I wish I had some more time to play though. I'm usually too tired by the time I get home from work but it is what it is. I have something to do when I get bored! I need to get a little better at the COD so I can actually play with the guys. But I'm trying!!!

Work has been going good. I actually have a lot going on in that area. I've been applying for internships left and right and have been getting a lot of positive feedback on them. I have an interview this Friday with another hospital. This would give me the opportunity to get more hours in a week while I'm waiting for the surgery schedule to fill up here. School is going good. Just wish I was done already! My time will come, and I'm excited. I know what I want to do exactly so I just need to get myself to that point.

That's pretty much of everything. So there is your update!

Where were you?

To every person there are days that make a significant value to you. You know what you were wearing...you know how you were feeling and you know exactly where you were. You may not remember what you did the day before, but those events that changed you so significantly you remember. The details of the moment will never trail.

As American's we all share one day. Or so we thought. I know you have the capability to answer this question. Where were you on 9/11/01. Where were you that morning? What is your story? Yesterday gave us another day. A day of closure for some and triumph for another. There was no sadness. There was relief. There was a moment that even though its almost 10 years since we were attacked on our land.....that there was a little bit of peace. Our safety as as American's is always tested. There will always be someone that won't like the way that we live or how our government may run things down to the religious practices we profess....but this one man tore a lot away from us. Tore apart lives, created a whole new world of anxiety and fear, made us look at situations that we before took for granted to always question if its worth our life to go to a New York Yankees Game, fly to see an old friend, or go to a movie or not. This man and his followers changed us all on that day.

I know where I was on September 11th, 2001. I was at home cuddling up with my daughter. It was early in the morning and it was officially her first birthday. My friend that was staying with us at the time knocked on my door and asked to come in. I asked what was up and he said that I needed to come see the tv. I walked out with my birthday girl and as I sat on the couch I saw the second plane hit a tower. Then the phone rang. There is more to my story....but I'm sure you get the point. I'm sure you have a story too.

There is now a bunch of controversy over the proof of everything. At this point I don't care. Nothing will rain on this parade of relief I now have. There will always be speculation. I think some people still believe that Elvis is still alive. You can't convince everyone...even if they had the proof they would still question it.

Misuse of Power

Verbal abuse is the one thing that never heals. It continues to silently erode its victim's self-worth. Their ego is gone. Their emotional connectors are out of sync. Verbal denigration manifests itself as a form of physical abuse.

The classic abuser conveys a message to his victim that she is responsible for his negative behaviors; that she is a failure in most or all of the roles that she is fulfilling; and that, apart from him, she is helpless. Victims of abuse eventually come to believe that they are powerless and objects of shame. Statistically, reports of women being abuse are more common than that of men.Yes the roles of course can be reversed but its just not as common.

So...whats the point of all this seriousness? Its important to know. There are too many people out there thinking they are just meant to be where they are. I really wished I would have recorded my session with my counselor yesterday. It was empowering, educational, and realistically motivational. It was only an hour, but I was able to get a lot out. I was able to find reasons and explanations for why things have played out the way they have over the past few months. I can connect why my behavior has changed, my emotional connections and pretty much all my actions. 

I didn't grow up in a house where love didn't exist. I grew up with the understanding of love where it was "conditioned". I was loved because I was a child; but, became questioned when when I was trying to be me. I lied to create the situations where I could do what I wanted to do and be who I wanted to be because it was impossible for me to be that person at home. My parents didn't like my stubbornness, my creativity, and sense of perception. So...they created a controlled environment so I could only be me...but with catch. Obviously as an adult those conditions no longer apply. The love is just love. Instead of the conditions there are the lectures in place of them. Which works for me at this point. This though stimulated behaviors that I never healed from and apparently placed myself in because it was something I was used to. It was comfortable because it was what I knew.

Now lets take that little piece of history and place it to today. Lets also add that fun saying on where women look in a partner to find the feeling of "home" because that has been implanted in them that is what is supposed to make them happy. Its all a mirage. Here you thought it was great but realistically your stemming a situation that makes you feel like home...but yet growing up you couldn't be YOU when you were at home. It was conditioned. You just walked into a relationship that you just left and your questioning why your having issues. Why is it when you finally realized that something wasn't right and tried to be you, there was issues? Conditional love is a form of abuse. The verbalization of telling you the person your supposed to be to another is not allowing you to be accepted of the real you and over time there is that loss of who you used to be. I may not be coming out with all this right for a way for you all to understand yet...but I'm trying to figure it out. I just know I had a light go on in my head yesterday and I don't want the power to go out. For once something actually made sense and all I did was tell the truth.

I have a long way to go...but at least I have some clarity. My behavior and choices have been justified. Here these things have basically been debilitating me and isolating me....but now I see their purpose. One thing though that I need to take care of is this issue I'm having with a microscope. I have no security. I have no privacy. Everything I do is questioned and I actually believed at one point that it was for good reason....but it isn't. Nothing should validate a rationalization to take away yet another thing from me. Nothing.