Did ya get that?

One of my favorite quotes, "The Greatest Mistake in life is to be continuing fearing of making one." I started with this because something that I thought I was living by, but has now taken over every inch of me of irony.
In a way I'm kinda pissed off. See, here I was just finally taking control over everything of my life. Making choices, accepting responsibility and taking charge were my focus. All of that drove me to where I sit today. I still have a lot of things falling apart around me, but I've conquered many of my goals I set out. The part that makes me mad is having things throw me in a 360 degree tailspin. Most of the these things are not bad, they are actually amazing. My complaint I guess is because I didn't plan these. I didn't set out for them. So now I'm stuck waiting for that catch-22.....you know that its too good to be true so where the shitty thing you want to tell me. I'm questioning everything beyond my normal questioning. (Which is a big fing deal) Half the time I'm not even making any sense even to myself let alone to others.
So....I guess I still don't even really know what I'm saying. Its just me a confused chick that has all new wants and needs with a big plate of everything being handed to her and just wants water for now. Maybe just water.....UGH!!!!!!!!

Too close for comfort

So I have a daughter that is autistic. She goes to a special private school. On top of that, we a have a driving service that takes her to and from there. All last week she was really sick so she stayed home from school. After calling the driver this morning to see if there was school today I was notified of something that I wish I didn't even hear.

As a parent, the last thing you want to hear is that your child was hurt and you weren't there to make sure that they are okay. Apparently on this past Friday, our driver and another special needs child that goes to my daughter's school was T-boned at an intersection out here in Pickerington. The driver is pretty bruised up and the child had a gash in his head that needed over 15 stitches. If my daughter was with them, she would have had the full impact of where the other car hit. Who knows what would have happened.

I'm so glad that everyone is okay....but now my greatest fear just could have happened.

Its just Business

I maybe enjoying my business classes too much, but it has lit a new fire under my ass. My focus has been clearer and my drive for success has been branched out to areas I never knew I wanted to reach.

I always knew I wanted to be someone. Not just someone's wife, not just a mother, but someone that has influenced at least something positive in life. It doesn't mean I have to have a long list of achievements and be the center of everyone's attention, I just want that feeling that my goals and achievements changed not only my life, but someone else too.

Life is about taking risks. You need to put everything on the line to make sure that your full focus is set right. It makes achievements earned just like the failures.

"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same."
Carlos Castaneda

Once upon a time.....

Here is story. Its a happy one I promise. I should I have done this yesterday since it was the big mile marker....but you should understand the lack of time on my point. But here is the effort. The big one. Here is the story of the beginning of my heart. Here is the story of Joe and I.

Katie and Donnie :)

It was many, many, years ago. 14 to be a fact. I was young and so was he. I was out and about with my best girlfriends and my dear friend Donnie. We were out and about and doing what we do best...causing trouble. Too keep our party going we needed to make a stop. A refill on our party requirements. Donnie said he knew exactly where to go to make this happen. So...three girls and a guy went to an apartment. A Gigantic man answered the door. He was in awe of what he saw. It was almost like he wanted to high five Donnie for the ability to have three hot amazing girls with him...(so he should have gotten a high five! ;) ) We were invited in and advised to go to the basement. ya...basement of a strange apartment shouldn't have been a good thing to do....but thats what you get when your young and dumb and clutching pepper spray.

I walk downstairs and here is what I see. A guy sitting on the floor in glitter pants looking pretty much asleep, a small skinny guy with no shirt on, and then a blonde haired girl. Holy shit! It was my girl Brooke that I worked with at Donatos! I was so happy to see her and confused on the randomness but was rest assured not to be scared on where I was. We immediately started talking and I ignored everything else around me. We got our party favors from the skinny guy and then I turned to leave. There was that guy in those glitter pants. Adorable in a way.....gorgeous face and eyes and then mr. glitter pants said, "Hi...my name is Joe"....and he was trying to stand up but it didn't work out for him because a bed rail he was leaning on about crushed him due to his movement. It was really funny. I grabbed his hand and said Hi and told him my name. Then said bye to all of them and left with my friends.

Justin....never ever really wore shirts that much....lol

Two days later I went to Fudruckers because Donnie needed me to stop over there for some reason. So I did. He got me a chocolate milkshake so I sat in the smoking section and slurped away and read some magazine just waiting. A few minutes later here comes a tall blonde hair guy dressed in normal clothes, skinny guy with a shirt on finally and another guy in a black trench coat. They sat on the opposite side of the smoking section and ordered food. It was just us back there I felt like they were just staring and talking about me. So.....I get up and go back to the kitchen to grab Donnie to see why in the hell I was there. He said well....my friend is into you...but he's shy. I asked which one, and then Mr. glitter pants pokes his head in the back and told Donnie to hurry up with his food jokingly and then looks at me and says Hi with an adorable smile. Mr. glitter pants then left to go back to his seat and then Donnie says...."That one".  I then felt like I was going to puke. Since when does the really hot amazing guy look my way??? I then went back to my seat to have a cig. Small skinny guy...aka Justin, said, "will you just come sit with us already???" So I did. We joked around like we were all friends already....but then guess who blows up my pager. It was my dad. Shit. I'm supposed to be at work so I had to leave and rush to Donatos so my cover wasn't blown. You see caller Id just came out so my dad needed me to prove I was at work....so I needed to get there. Before I left Joe grabbed me and insisted I come over that night. I said sure and he gave me his number to let him know when I was able to come by. I then rushed out of there like a bat outta hell and proved to the dad that I was at work with my manager advising as well that I'm working all night....(God I loved working there!! They covered me so much with the dad!! ) Then off I went. Back to that apartment. This time I got to go upstairs. Joe was there with trench coat guy. Trench coat guy was weird. His name is Steve. They were both playing a video game and was excited that I was there. We hung out for a couple hours....smoked...then I needed to go home. My fake shift at work was coming to a close. Joe walked me out to my car and gave me hug. Just a hug. I gave him my number and pager number to get ahold of me. And that was it. (Ps...weird trench coat guy is now my bestest guy friend ever. Especially since we made him lose the trench coat! ;) )

Situation like this is confusing to a teenage girl. He acted like he was so into me but just gave me a hug??? I was confused....but filled with butterflies. I was overwhelmed with happiness and went home. We talked every night the whole week....and planned the next time we could hang out. I decided we should go see my friend Katie so thats what we did. At Katie's....I got my kiss. It was perfect. Bone chilling.....goose pimples all the way down to my toes. Even Katie was excited. It was like she was witnessing history. Thats exactly what it was. The beginning of my life with Joe began.

We've grown up together...and sometimes we have grown apart but then we find the reason on why we are together in the first place. Its not fate...its not destiny. Its the fact that when we kiss....even 14 years later. Its bone chilling....goose pimples all the way to my toes. Its more then just a kiss. Its love. The strongest that you would ever know. 

What you see is not what you get.....

Here we go again. Another night of having to think about pros and cons. Things would be so much easier if they could just go back to how things were like 5 maybe 6 years ago. Come to think of it I'm not sure if that was a good time either. I've never really sat back and really took a look at my past. I just always had the habit of focusing only on the positive things. Why dread on the ugliest of people? We all have our moments. I have many that I'm not proud of and the last thing that I would want happen is for people to remember me just of those bad moments.

I've had a lot thrown at me the past couple of weeks. I will admit, that I'm ready to crash and burn.....but I don't think I have time to. Luckily the easiest thing I have to deal with is work. Its safe to say that work doesn't stress me at all. I love every ounce of my job. Its just everything else around me that pretty much sucks.  I have friends that are struggling and looking to me for support and I just don't have the energy to give. I just have so many of my own personal issues that I don't think right now I'm the best person to be giving advice. I could be wrong....but if I was in a good place right now I wouldn't be multi-tasking while writing this to see what psychiatrists are in my area to go see so I can get some damn xanax! Ps...not joking!  I know I need more than a damn pill but hey...got to start somewhere! On top of my friends, I have my kiddos. I barely have enough time to go over their homework let alone my own. I know in the long run that my schooling will provide a better future for them and I, but this process already is draining on me and on them. 
I'm at a loss. I have no direction. This would be so much easier if he would just say and do exactly what he wants....that way I can then focus on what to do next. Its like chess......I can't go first. You have to. Sorry to just throw that in here. I guess it goes without saying that pretty much the only people that read this anyways knows that I'm having horrible relationship issues. I don't want to be that person that just says nasty things about their husband and have the whole world to read it......I don't want to deface him. My issues are mine. I want to make that clear. I blog to vent....it makes me feel better. I don't blog to put someones name out there to just talk about poorly. Now with that said....I will say this. I am miserable. The man I fell in love with many years ago is making me that way. I'm at the point at which that I'm constantly talking myself out of retreating. I keep hoping that things will just get better. I should know though that the circumstances always point to No.
When someone has given up on themselves......it is made impossible to convince them otherwise. I've tried to help....I tried to do whatever I could to but still..things are getting worse.

I was actually having a really good night tonight. We were enjoying ourselves as a family. Just like it used to be. But it all changed. Just like that. I thought I saw change......but thats not what I got.