Here we go again. Another night of having to think about pros and cons. Things would be so much easier if they could just go back to how things were like 5 maybe 6 years ago. Come to think of it I'm not sure if that was a good time either. I've never really sat back and really took a look at my past. I just always had the habit of focusing only on the positive things. Why dread on the ugliest of people? We all have our moments. I have many that I'm not proud of and the last thing that I would want happen is for people to remember me just of those bad moments.
I've had a lot thrown at me the past couple of weeks. I will admit, that I'm ready to crash and burn.....but I don't think I have time to. Luckily the easiest thing I have to deal with is work. Its safe to say that work doesn't stress me at all. I love every ounce of my job. Its just everything else around me that pretty much sucks. I have friends that are struggling and looking to me for support and I just don't have the energy to give. I just have so many of my own personal issues that I don't think right now I'm the best person to be giving advice. I could be wrong....but if I was in a good place right now I wouldn't be multi-tasking while writing this to see what psychiatrists are in my area to go see so I can get some damn xanax! Ps...not joking! I know I need more than a damn pill but hey...got to start somewhere! On top of my friends, I have my kiddos. I barely have enough time to go over their homework let alone my own. I know in the long run that my schooling will provide a better future for them and I, but this process already is draining on me and on them.
I'm at a loss. I have no direction. This would be so much easier if he would just say and do exactly what he wants....that way I can then focus on what to do next. Its like chess......I can't go first. You have to. Sorry to just throw that in here. I guess it goes without saying that pretty much the only people that read this anyways knows that I'm having horrible relationship issues. I don't want to be that person that just says nasty things about their husband and have the whole world to read it......I don't want to deface him. My issues are mine. I want to make that clear. I blog to vent....it makes me feel better. I don't blog to put someones name out there to just talk about poorly. Now with that said....I will say this. I am miserable. The man I fell in love with many years ago is making me that way. I'm at the point at which that I'm constantly talking myself out of retreating. I keep hoping that things will just get better. I should know though that the circumstances always point to No.
When someone has given up on themselves......it is made impossible to convince them otherwise. I've tried to help....I tried to do whatever I could to but still..things are getting worse.
I was actually having a really good night tonight. We were enjoying ourselves as a family. Just like it used to be. But it all changed. Just like that. I thought I saw change......but thats not what I got.
I've had a lot thrown at me the past couple of weeks. I will admit, that I'm ready to crash and burn.....but I don't think I have time to. Luckily the easiest thing I have to deal with is work. Its safe to say that work doesn't stress me at all. I love every ounce of my job. Its just everything else around me that pretty much sucks. I have friends that are struggling and looking to me for support and I just don't have the energy to give. I just have so many of my own personal issues that I don't think right now I'm the best person to be giving advice. I could be wrong....but if I was in a good place right now I wouldn't be multi-tasking while writing this to see what psychiatrists are in my area to go see so I can get some damn xanax! Ps...not joking! I know I need more than a damn pill but hey...got to start somewhere! On top of my friends, I have my kiddos. I barely have enough time to go over their homework let alone my own. I know in the long run that my schooling will provide a better future for them and I, but this process already is draining on me and on them.
I'm at a loss. I have no direction. This would be so much easier if he would just say and do exactly what he wants....that way I can then focus on what to do next. Its like chess......I can't go first. You have to. Sorry to just throw that in here. I guess it goes without saying that pretty much the only people that read this anyways knows that I'm having horrible relationship issues. I don't want to be that person that just says nasty things about their husband and have the whole world to read it......I don't want to deface him. My issues are mine. I want to make that clear. I blog to vent....it makes me feel better. I don't blog to put someones name out there to just talk about poorly. Now with that said....I will say this. I am miserable. The man I fell in love with many years ago is making me that way. I'm at the point at which that I'm constantly talking myself out of retreating. I keep hoping that things will just get better. I should know though that the circumstances always point to No.
When someone has given up on themselves......it is made impossible to convince them otherwise. I've tried to help....I tried to do whatever I could to but still..things are getting worse.
I was actually having a really good night tonight. We were enjoying ourselves as a family. Just like it used to be. But it all changed. Just like that. I thought I saw change......but thats not what I got.
oh honey...it breaks my heart for you because i know so much about what you're going through. marriage is for better or for worse, but if you don't feel you're both bringing out the best in eachother, something's gotta give. i don't want to get super personal on here (we can do that on the phone later. lol), but i am ALWAYS here for you. day, night, weekends...always. i love you, and i love those kiddos and i'll do anything i can do to help this situation for you guys. as far as school, maybe it's time for a break. you love your job, so maybe it's just time to go with that for a while. if you can't take on more at the moment, my advice is...don't. i know you feel like it's better in the future, but your being spread so thin isn't good for the present. and friends who need you will understand that you can't be there for them right now if they're true friends. and afterall, isn't that the only kind of friends you want to surround yourself with anyway? ; ) ok. off my soapbox. i love you pookie!!
ReplyDeleteNice post, i think lots of people could relate to many pieces of it.
ReplyDeleteI wish for you strength to get through this/these situation(s). I agree with your friend above in saying that just because something is good for your future doesn't mean that it's good for your present. Maybe you should take a step back and cut out a few things in your life that you don't need or can resume at a later date. If i were you, i'd choose the schooling too (unless you have to do it for work) Your babies are only babies for a short while, and you need to make the most of the time you have with them. You'd probably feel so much better if you'd just cut out one or two things.
Best of luck to you!
Thanks guys for the advice. In all honesty if I give up a few things I still think I will be overloaded...who knows. Time will tell......
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