Where is your heart?

So...because I have a big mouth..........I'm sure your all aware that my husband and I for a few years have been having problems. We've been together since I was a junior in High School and have shared everyday together since. Its hard when your growing up together. You lose that opportunity to "find yourself". You also can lose touch with why you chose to be together in the first place. How strong does your love have to be to make things forever work?

I know Joe like the back of my hand. I know EVERYTHING about that man. I know how he will react with every situation and I know how he likes his steak. A lot has happened in the past year and a half where we both have given up. We were just two beings existing in a house to be there just for the kids because we didn't know how else to be. We started marriage counseling....which I think we needed way back then. I think it may have not allowed some things that have happened...well happen. I will not sit here and make excuses anymore and I think he is at the point to not either.

With each new day passing, I've been lucky enough to discover more of ME. What I want. What I need. What I definitely can go without and how to move forward. I'm finding my heart again and appreciating it. One thing I always knew was that before I ever had kids or met Joe, I knew I wanted a big family. One that was never broken. I've seen how divorce can tear a family. I've lived it. I don't have that solid foundation you should have when it comes to family. My parents got divorced right after I graduated high school. They waited until I was out of the house to then move on with their lives. I grew up thinking I was apart of a nuclear family and then was bitch-slapped with the reality of dysfunction. When you experience that, then you question if your doomed as well. When is that day going to be when everything goes to shit and you just can't deal with it anymore? I don't want my kids to have that. Then again though, I don't want them to think that they should be unhappy either.

So where is my heart? My heart is with myself, my kids, and my future. I'm putting every ounce of me into saving my marriage. I'm erasing the years of pain and struggle and giving it a go one more time because with everything that bad has happened: he is still there. He is still in love. He is forgiving. He's being that person I fell in love with 14 years ago again. I'm not going to lie, it was hard and still is hard to deal with. When I went years of questioning my relationship to actually getting what I always wanted has me looking for the fog that must be apparently clouding everything up. In other words...where is the Catch 22? Am I being a blinded dumbass walking into a set up and just going to have to wait until things go back to where I hated it? Nope. I don't think so.

I've never once questioned my love for Joe. I questioned our purpose. He knows this. It hurts to say...but it was reality. I'm not the same person I used to be. Too much has happened and has changed me completely. It has done the same to him as well. We just need to figure out how to be "us" but a whole new way. I'm giving it a go. Head first...eyes completely open. We have a long road ahead of us.....A LOT to work out. But we are now both committed. So...with the power of therapy, medication, moments of dedication....this could have a chance.

A couple weeks ago I went to confession. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. I needed to do it. I needed to take responsibility for my faults...my sins. Everything is a process. I'm taking the steps.....they may be slow and I may tumble, but I'm following my heart. I gave up once, but I'm not doing it this time.

The happy things

I been getting a lot of feedback on how that all I write is about negative things and that I rarely have anything nice to say for the good stuff that has happened in my life. I can't help that I get so wrapped up in the the highlights that I can't always share them with you all. Plus, usually when I blog its about me venting. I just need to get those damn thoughts out of my head so when I go back to it for reflection I can depict on how crazy I really am or at least figure out what to do next. Blogging is for me....its just an added benefit that I actually have people enjoy some of the shit that I say.

So I guess I will give a run down on what makes me happy right now so I can no longer be yelled at for not saying something positive.

First: My kids. My five amazing kids. Its so hard to believe sometimes that I have five but we all mold together. My oldest daughter is my rock...my little mini me. She helps me so much to maintain some sort of order with the kids. I love coming home and have them run to me with hugs and kisses and willing say that they miss me. Paisley is the one that just grabs my leg an doesn't let go until I pick her up or just tickle her free. The enjoyment of being a mother will always be the number one thing in my book. Days are hard sometimes but at the end of the day, they are all pieces of me and full of my heart and soul.

My backbone anymore is my father. The one person that I struggled to connect with growing up has been the biggest help in my life. Ya I still have some annoyances with the lectures and how I should handle things but realistically he would do anything and everything for me and the kids and he proves that on a daily basis. I enjoy just talking to him about anything and I value his words of wisdom.

 My grandmother...aka "Busha" (Czech/Polish word for grandmother) is one of my most favorite people in the world. She may have just been a housewife that raised 5 kids....but her strength is something I long for. She is strong in her Catholic faith and has always pushed me when things got rough to just believe and pray because when those moments when I need the strength the most, she is the one at 88 years old picking me up and reminding me of my heart and strength.

Another person in my life that has been making a difference is my boss. Stasia and I may have only known each other since January, but we have connected. She kinda acts like a mother figure to me and we help each other out. She pushes me to thrive in my field and is always a 100 percent supportive on what I'm trying to do. She allows me to fully embrace my career and constantly encourages for me to be happy with every decision that I make. She makes me coming into work feel like that its my safe place to be. I don't have to worry about anything when I'm there and with her and I in control, we will run the show.

I also made a new friend a couple months ago. Whether he sees it or not, I value the friendship we have. He has encourage my goals and decisions and actually helped me deal with some of the struggles I've been having. Our personalities are somewhat alike so I know when I ask a question I will get a realistic straight forward response. I need that. I need someone that will stop telling me what I want to hear just to try to make me feel better....I need that slap of reality so I can stop being distracted at the fork of the road. My future isn't stuck in a box anymore and he helped me see that and I will always be thankful to him for it.

My sister of course will always be there for me. We irritate the shit out of each other but deep down our love is strong. I've disappointed her lately, and it truly hurts that I did. One day I hope she will understand where I was coming from and that she could look past my faults. Her son is the most amazing little guy ever. He lights up my heart and I miss being able to be the Aunt that I want to be because they live so far away. I'm lucky enough to be in a field on where I will be able to travel and see both my sister and nephew a little more frequently then before. I'm forever grateful to Shawn, my sister's husband for allowing me to come down and surprise her. It was so important for me to be there for my sister and I'm counting down until when I can come back.

Few other things that have been making me happy is more trival then anything else. My iPad is awesome and I don't know how I was able to function without it. I'm becoming obsessed with the latest and greatest electronics. I love high heel shoes...spa visits and my daily naps in the tanning bed. I love the pictures my kids make me when they see I'm having a bad day an all they want to do is make me smile. I love that my friends will listen to me rant and vent whenever I need them to. I LOVE alcohol and how it makes me numb for a bit to all the stupid drama in my life. And last but not least....my elliptical. I love working out and and its changed me not only on the outside...but the inside too. Getting fit has been making my evil knee not hate me as much as it used to anymore. I'm hoping that by the end of summer I won't need all the therapy and meds that I have to take in order to get out of bed.

That's about it for now. I'm hoping to add more to that list, but only time and decisions and patience and a hell of a lot of therapy will tell. I know what I want for my future so I'm going to go work on it and get it.

Struggles with and without focus

Normally I can just start flowing with the words so I can just feel better to just have everything come out. I'm struggling with this today. I'm struggling with a lot of things lately. So this may all come out all over the place. Just a warning.

For the past year and a half I've been selfish and working on me. Made some great choices and also some pretty shitty ones. I try to find value in every situation because I believe that things happen for a reason...and one day I will figure out why. At least I hope so anyways.

So I've changed. A lot. On the outside...and on the inside. I stare in the mirror to see a stranger and when I try to to think the way I used to, then it comes out differently.Basically I'm a mess. I'm lost in my head and my heart.

Awhile back I wrote once about "What if?" moments...so I'm going to bring up again. This time from a different viewpoint. Before I used to wonder how my future would be if I took certain situations in a different path. I should know better. I have my faults and have my mistakes. I don't regret ANYTHING.

Each day we are given we should live to our fullest. Gotta quit pretending that we will have a tomorrow guaranteed to us.  I've had a lot of great things happen. I've had a lot of bad ones too. Every bit of that makes me who I am today. I can't be that person 15 years ago now.

I know one thing for sure. If I have a tomorrow, no one will walk over me. No one will control me. No one will question my intelligence and no one will crush me the way they have lately. I don't deserve it. So if you feel the need to think you can cloud my day...think again. I maybe all xanax up with moments of alcohol intake, but I pay attention. You can't mess with me anymore. You want to hurt me when all I've done was to be good to you? Then be prepared for me to fuck up your life. Plain and simple. I'm done crying. I'm done being told what I should feel or how I should act and what I should do. Years and years of mental abuse almost broke me, but I'm not letting it anymore.

I will try to work on things. I will put everything and anything into something that I feel that is worth it. I want the big happy family, a happy marriage, and great friends to share my life with. I know that one day I will be even more successful then I am now because I haven't given up on me yet. I want this...so I will work for it.

If there are those of you that want to challenge me...fine. I'm up for it. I'm just not ignorant so be prepared for the retaliation.I'm not playing nice anymore with people that don't value me as I do them. So this goes for family, friends, and complete strangers. I'm not going to shut down anymore.

Just so you know....I mean "You" as a generalization. Not calling anyone in particular out. Apparently anymore I need a disclaimer because everyone seems to think that I'm talking bad about them personally. I'm not. I've been fucked over by my own blood before so.....again. Just a generalization.

He said She said Bullshit

Drama Drama Drama Drama.............ugh. Over it. Why does it still follow me? Ever feel the same way? Its like one day you actually feel like an adult and then your bitch-slapped with gossip and profoundness definitions of characters. Does anyone ever sit back and think before they go run their mouth to others?

I will say I have had my moments myself. Usually I'm quick on my feet and can come back with something decent but occasionally even the best of us slip up. I just really despise the ones that just do it on a continuous basis. They live their lives around to trying to get as much information or dirt on someone and just jump at the chance to tell someone else.......that tells someone else...then they tell...next thing you know, everyone knows and its coming back to you. When things like this happen its almost an immediate reconsideration of your friends. If you hear something......fine. Have a damn opinion. If it doesn't personally affect you...then keep those damn conversations private and leave it at that.

Appreciate the fact that you can talk to your friends and not have to provide a disclaimer with every other word to inform that this stays between you and that person. Whether or not your thinking your doing good by opening your mouth.......doesn't mean that it is. Actually...99.9% of the time its not going to help.

Plus you have to have the one friend that is seriously the worse person to play the old school game of telephone with. Remember that game? You whisper a word or a sentence to someone....then they whisper to someone else until it gets to the last person and then the last person says what they think the first person said. The whole point of playing that game back in the day as kids was testing your communication skills. Well....we all have the retard friend that when we say, "I really don't like sushi"...but they tell the world your allergic to shellfish. See my point? I heard this example once from a friend describing a frustration they had. Kinda liked the analogy so needed to share.

I personally don't want to have to test the limits of a friendship. Right now I'm currently under quite a few of the biggest stresses of my life and I've shared limited with some...but still I put myself in a position that a person could misconstrued or go out of bounds of their new intel on me. I don't want to have to think about it...but its hard not to. Especially when you can still see the scars of the ones of the past that betrayed me.

So my dear friends, here is your lesson of the day: Someone tells you something juicy...go eat a piece of stale bread and that will be the end of it.

Another issue

I thoroughly enjoy a good debate every now and again. I don't like it though when I'm the one being more open-minded and the other isn't. We are not always going to agree because the last time I checked that we are not the same DNA make-up. Be strong in your opinion but at least be open to a different perspective. It may not change your view....but you will be a better person to know ALL options to validate your perspective.

One other thing that is good to remember that when you fail to tell the truth on something or bury your feelings, you lose value as person. They immediately look at you differently and have a hard time to even validate half the things that you say or do. Relationships are hard to maintain when you say one thing and do another. You can't have the best of both worlds when your faking a part of yourself. I'm not saying that you shouldn't ever give second chances to others because that would be giving up on that person all together. People are brought into your life for a reason. Discounting them for an error let alone a situation that you failed to take time to evaluate and just reacted to could ruin that persons involvement for your life to begin with.

With that said...I have a friend. Someone I used to hold very close that will be around soon again and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Second chances have longed passed. I'm thinking we are in the thirty something margins on now at this point. Just a little over a week I need to be prepared on what I want to do with this friendship. I know the person they used to be....but their decision making processes are just horrible. They have lost a lot because of their personal choices, but I'm still not thinking that has affected them the way that it should have. Its hard not to put judgment on another, especially since I'm not God.......but I'm struggling with this. The people you surround yourself with also represent your own identity. I'm working on my status so the last thing I need is someone around that really isn't up to par in the way that they should. I'm going to give this some time and I guess process as the situation comes when I have to see them again. I'm at least giving them that...........plus I can read someone better when they are in front of my face vs. just reading a letter. 

The Sister

So today is my Big Sister's Birthday. Not really sure how old she is...I think like 36...haha...just kidding. I just thought since I have a few moments, I will like to pay a little bit of a tribute to her on her special day.

So my sister Melissa was born WAY back in the day. She was my parents pride and joy (until I came along three years later) and her adorable blonde curly hair. She danced and excelled very early in school. She was obsessed with cleaning and Michael Jackson. Her favorite past times was usually pinching me or cleaning my room.

In all honestly when my sister and I were teenagers, we didn't get along. Like not at all. It was pretty much on the lines of hating each other and hating the fact that each of us existed together. Time strengthens you for sure. When we both were moved out of the house and pursing our "grown ups lives" we became close. Even closer as time as gone by. My sister is my best friend and I do regret our early troubled relationship. I appreciate her more then anything.

My oldest daughter Kymberly is completely in awe of her Aunt. Its actually pretty cute to see that Kymmy acts, thinks, and looks like my sister. Sometimes its hard to believe that Kymmy is my daughter and not hers!

Melissa has pursued such a challenging career. Studying not just Radiology, but Nuclear Radiology. Let me tell ya, this field is freaking scary! I took a short rotation myself in Nuclear Medicine on the Pharmacy end and it scared the crap out of me. Much respect to those that do this on a daily basis. My sister enjoys being challenged and she takes them head on. Her success is just the beginning for her and I won't be surprised if she has something else up her sleeve.

I've always looked up to my sister. She has always been so dedicated to doing something with her life and she has found more then success in that. Married to an awesome Airman that couldn't complete her better, they also share the most adorable little boy ever. Cameron is just that extra additive to make something so right even better.

So there is the basic rundown on my sis...I love her to pieces and I look forward to many more travel opportunites to come see her. I hate that she is so far away...but at least it gives me an excuse to take mini vacations ;)

Happy Birthday Melissa Victoria!! Love you!

Location:Hamilton Square Blvd,Groveport,United States

Knocked Up

I was talking to one of my friends the other day. Her clock is ticking at a rapid rate and is trying to get prego. I'm excited because I will be an Aunt to an amazing little babe...

Personally it doesn't take me  much to become knocked up. Someone looks at me funny and boom I'm prego. Good thing I always wanted a big family because otherwise my uterus and I would be in a fight. Fertile Myrtle right here for sure.

The most common ways out there is to track your ovulation. The kits are found in your local Pharmacy. Plus I hope your flexible because you'll be "WINNING" if you are. Just wrap those feet behind your head when he fires away and chill out for a bit...just like that. Make those swimmers have a freaking direction!

I also hear things how women start taking prenatal vitamins and avoid certain foods and alcohol. Realistically if your body is ready it will happen. Besides, usually the unexpected happens when your drunk off your ass anyways and forgot the condom let alone that birth control pill. Plus usually when you want something really bad...your body will make it NOT happen. People that usually try to plan every ounce of their life will hit a point of disappointment eventually. You tend forget that whole mind over matter situation. Its a powerful thing....especially when you don't understand your brain to begin with.

So as a special announcement, I am NOT pregnant for once. I'm the girl now that does a freaking happy dance when the evilness arrives. I have no problem being the "Aunt" just as long as I'm no longer carrying! So get out there and have sex and make some babies!

The Queef

Okay..here is an interesting topic. Embarrassing shit happens all the time. The last thing we want is one less thing to worry about when we are having sex with someone. We are already freaked out by how we look naked.....Guys are hoping they are big enough...girls are hoping they are small enough. So lets add another thing. You know about it. It may even make you laugh your ass off like it does me So what the hell am I talking about? The Queef. Thats right....the Queef. 

But you know something? Guys can't do it....so they are freaked out by it, which on the other hand makes us girls feel even weirder about it. So what do you do if it happens? How do you not lose that awesome sexiness that got you all naked in the first place?

So I'm a little different maybe from other people, but I actually know when its going to happen. It happens when your switching positions a lot....mostly from a long period of the doggy to the missionary. I personally can do this little wiggle to adjust my hips and balance out that pressure that is going on before he re-enters.


But sometimes there's nothing that can be done about it, and I can't get control of it, and it's unstoppable and seemingly goes on forever. And then when I think it's stopped, some more squeaks out. I know in my head that it's stupid to be embarrassed about it, but when you're fucking someone for the first time, and your vagina is performing a symphony, it's kinda hard to not cringe with your whole being.

Laughing is always the best medicine...it actually may make the sound effects even louder but oh well. Its a natural occurrence that really means the guy did a pretty damn good job. If you ignore it...things get awkward...you don't want to lose your evening or worse...like round two.

It was but it isn't....but it should.

Don't you hate it when you get yourself in situations that you just can't mentally process? It doesn't help that when you do come across something that you absolutely were not expecting let alone looking for and then when things don't go the way anticipated your even more screwed up then before. Fun Fun....not.

You live you learn right? I'm really hating that saying....along with, "It is what it is". Life can just suck it at this point. I hate the ups and downs and I never really get anywhere for the in between. I did though learn a lot about myself in the past two months. Things to do...not do. So at least there was learning involved. I just wished first impressions and incidences out of my control weren't on the table to be considered to throw away my value, but I can't really do anything about that can I?

As usual, I have a plan. Always looking to the future is what my focus should be. I just need to become accustom to not having things go my way and if they don't not shut down like I've been doing lately. I have a business plan for my financial future, an education plan that will push me to my own personal great expectations, and a fantastic family that I would be lost without. I just have to accept all that and be thankful for it. Plain and simple. Its just so hard to know that there is something fantastic out there, that got so screwed up, a reflection of my true self misinterpreted by craziness, and my heart is broken.

I thought blogging it all out would help...but it didn't. Maybe because it has to be cryptic....but yet again, if I said all the details it wouldn't change anything anyways.