The random Love
by: Yours truly...Monica
Time is of the essence
Trust in your heart
for love will come
Escape for moments of bliss
Remember the small things
Laugh even for little importance.
The more it doesn't make sense
the more perfect it will be.
Ache for dimples, soft eyes, and puzzles.
triumph when smiles is all that is needed.
Your sketch is embedded for what you mean to me
you will never be lost.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Birding the year 2009
So here we are at the end of another year. Any triumphs? Any regrets? Of course....and we are deepened with thoughts of changes probably at this point now. I'm no different.
For the longest time, I myself have been trapped in this unhappy place in my head and in my heart. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, my family and anyone that chooses to make me smile for the day :) , but there was just too many times this year that I remember sitting back and wondering why I put myself through some of the things. I guess it should be expected since I usually question everything anymore and over think situations....but really there are so many things that I will be changing. I've already started on it as a matter of fact! I've reconnected with old friends and reminiscence about many moments I wish I could relive...just letting someone in that doesn't judge me or expect a copay has been nice! :)
I'm not going to make a resolution....I plan on just going with the flow of things. It is said that we are responsible for our own happiness as much as our failures. I plan on not holding back and going full force on things. I will still protect my kids and doing what is best for them....but I will no longer push myself aside. My needs are just as important. If mama ain't happy....well then thats one grumpy mama!
I'm actually sitting here listening to Cage the Elephant...the song Back Against the Wall.....funny how a song can depict your life at that moment. Here's a little piece:
Oh ya...Happy New Year people!
For the longest time, I myself have been trapped in this unhappy place in my head and in my heart. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, my family and anyone that chooses to make me smile for the day :) , but there was just too many times this year that I remember sitting back and wondering why I put myself through some of the things. I guess it should be expected since I usually question everything anymore and over think situations....but really there are so many things that I will be changing. I've already started on it as a matter of fact! I've reconnected with old friends and reminiscence about many moments I wish I could relive...just letting someone in that doesn't judge me or expect a copay has been nice! :)
I'm not going to make a resolution....I plan on just going with the flow of things. It is said that we are responsible for our own happiness as much as our failures. I plan on not holding back and going full force on things. I will still protect my kids and doing what is best for them....but I will no longer push myself aside. My needs are just as important. If mama ain't happy....well then thats one grumpy mama!
I'm actually sitting here listening to Cage the Elephant...the song Back Against the Wall.....funny how a song can depict your life at that moment. Here's a little piece:
Tonight I'll have a look
And try to find my face again
Buried beneath this house
My spirit screams and dies again
And try to find my face again
Buried beneath this house
My spirit screams and dies again
Oh ya...Happy New Year people!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
What if???
I always over-think things. I analyze EVERYTHING! Plus it didn't help that I even got a degree in Psychology either! I personally can reconstruct a moment or event or choice to try to figure, What if I did this? or Said this?.......
I was having this discussion with one of my dear friends. I of course was tunnel visioned on a "what if?" situation. She said something interesting to me. "What if moments, can kill you". Interesting don't you think? Now of course I'm analyzing that. I mean she can be right....especially if you take situations that involves something dangerous ; for instance, by just being missed by an out of control drunk driver on the freeway. What if you were just two feet to your left? Then you can look at it another way...... the person that is behind that wheel and they delt with their what if moment to include 4 more drinks than they typically drink, which led them to get behind a wheel completely intoxicated. So here your actions on a "what if?" moment can change not only your life, but the lives of others.
Our day to day lives are constructed on choices. You choose path A or B. With us being such a diverse bunch, not everyone ends up in the same path. Which is okay, but what if we all were? What if we were able to figure out how different our lives would be if we did opposite of what we choose to do even in the past 24 hours?
My big "What if?" is something I will be throwing around my head for awhile. I've always set standards for myself but never held myself accountable for not maintaining my standards. I recently discovered something that I didn't purposefully look for, but it would mean fulfilling something in my life that has been empty for a very long time. So what if I go and get it?
I was having this discussion with one of my dear friends. I of course was tunnel visioned on a "what if?" situation. She said something interesting to me. "What if moments, can kill you". Interesting don't you think? Now of course I'm analyzing that. I mean she can be right....especially if you take situations that involves something dangerous ; for instance, by just being missed by an out of control drunk driver on the freeway. What if you were just two feet to your left? Then you can look at it another way...... the person that is behind that wheel and they delt with their what if moment to include 4 more drinks than they typically drink, which led them to get behind a wheel completely intoxicated. So here your actions on a "what if?" moment can change not only your life, but the lives of others.
Our day to day lives are constructed on choices. You choose path A or B. With us being such a diverse bunch, not everyone ends up in the same path. Which is okay, but what if we all were? What if we were able to figure out how different our lives would be if we did opposite of what we choose to do even in the past 24 hours?
My big "What if?" is something I will be throwing around my head for awhile. I've always set standards for myself but never held myself accountable for not maintaining my standards. I recently discovered something that I didn't purposefully look for, but it would mean fulfilling something in my life that has been empty for a very long time. So what if I go and get it?
"I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief"
Gerry Spence
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
A brief glipse into to my head....
Growing up I would have random moments of abstract thought so I would write them down. It either was feelings I personally had or have seen. I even had a few things published back in the day....so I have to be somewhat decent of a writer...right? Ha Ha...who cares. I write because I feel better and sometimes I just want someone to listen. So be prepared for random poems or just brief moments of thought. With that said, here is a recent one of those moments:
Lost Heart
I breathe
you quiver
I speak
you shiver
What has lead this to be?
Goose pimples once kissed my back
My heart raced to hear your voice
I wonder now why I even try anymore
I long for no resistance
I ache for just appreciation
Love is supposed to be stronger than this
Living in a mess
It can no longer be cleaned
Copyright 2009
Lost Heart
I breathe
you quiver
I speak
you shiver
What has lead this to be?
Goose pimples once kissed my back
My heart raced to hear your voice
I wonder now why I even try anymore
I long for no resistance
I ache for just appreciation
Love is supposed to be stronger than this
Living in a mess
It can no longer be cleaned
Copyright 2009
Back in the day
Okay...quick rundown. I grew up with both of my parents. My father was and still is a dedicated blue collar worker and my mother a Deputy Sheriff. It was just me and my older sister. I always thought of my sister as being the perfect one and then I was the one that screwed things up all the time. I will admit I loved to test my limits, which of course led me to be grounded most of my high school days! I guess in a way though I should be thankful that they didn't ever find out everything I may have gotten myself into but also grateful that I was taught better to get myself out of situations I put myself in.
Growing up though, I was lucky to be exposed some really cool things. I was a pageant girl. I quit the year I was 1st runner-up for little Miss Ohio. My poor mother was devastated but I wanted to play in the mud and got sick of living in salons! I also did dance...played softball, choir and I played the clarinet. I also secretly had a love for math and science, and pretty good at it too. I also LOVED to write. I used to be able to take a moment and write it into something beautiful. Now I'm working on to finding that again and I hope I do. Writing was a big stress reliever.
I am very grateful to have one of those personalities that goes with the flow and be able to relate to pretty much anyone I was around. I love people and never conformed to "clicks", at least I don't think I did. I also dated a lot of boys...maybe too many but hell, you don't know what you like until you try them all! I remember everyone of them...some better than others but they knew me. I didn't pretend to be someone that I wasn't. I'm also one of those "what if?" girls....like what if I didn't screw up a relationship, where and who would I be today?
I don't look at my past of being full of bad choices or mistakes. The choices I made then created the person I am today. I may not like who I am now, but that just means I have some new choices to make.
Growing up though, I was lucky to be exposed some really cool things. I was a pageant girl. I quit the year I was 1st runner-up for little Miss Ohio. My poor mother was devastated but I wanted to play in the mud and got sick of living in salons! I also did dance...played softball, choir and I played the clarinet. I also secretly had a love for math and science, and pretty good at it too. I also LOVED to write. I used to be able to take a moment and write it into something beautiful. Now I'm working on to finding that again and I hope I do. Writing was a big stress reliever.
I am very grateful to have one of those personalities that goes with the flow and be able to relate to pretty much anyone I was around. I love people and never conformed to "clicks", at least I don't think I did. I also dated a lot of boys...maybe too many but hell, you don't know what you like until you try them all! I remember everyone of them...some better than others but they knew me. I didn't pretend to be someone that I wasn't. I'm also one of those "what if?" girls....like what if I didn't screw up a relationship, where and who would I be today?
I don't look at my past of being full of bad choices or mistakes. The choices I made then created the person I am today. I may not like who I am now, but that just means I have some new choices to make.
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
Hello World!
So, who am I? Who the hell knows anymore. I mean I look in the mirror everyday for 3.2 seconds because that is all the time I have to even look. I'm a mom. I am a mom of 5. Yes I said 5. Now typically when I define myself, I'm usually only just the mother. Lately I will admit I've re-discovered my roots. The things and the people that used to make me happy. Some things I really probably should avoid, but I really don't want to....and also the things that so need to be changed.
If you would have met me 14 years ago today, I would be described as: Outgoing, funny, a writer, and someone that had interesting selection in boys. Now I'm saying this because its important. Until recently, I forgot who I was. I've conformed like I should into a mother, but I lost sight of who I was and what made me...well Me because the people I surrounded myself with just didn't seem to like who I was. They wanted to change me, and they did.
So here is a toast to self re-discovery, a fun mess of new stories along with some of the past, and of course I will try to write up so good words of wisdom or poems like I used to. So lets ride...........
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)