A review....and a Misson ;)

So....Cage the Elephant. I heart them so. I FINALLY got their new album. Which by the way....I went to Best Buy for the sole reason for this purchase, and can you please explain to me why it took forever to find where in the hell the CD's were?? Did people just stop buying CD's all together or something? I personally do download myself (Paying for the downloads) ...but I still also enjoy purchasing an actual CD too. Its almost like CD's now are like 8 tracks and vinyl. I felt so off....like it was wrong for me to even be seen purchase a CD...whatever.

So needless to say I'm in love with CTE even more. Love LOVE LOOOOVVVVEEE the new album. I seriously can't stop listening to it. PS...my new Alma mater is "Always Something"...just so you know. ;)

Another thing I wanted to bring up today is that I'm on a mission. You see....someone contacted me through this website that I have connected to facebook. The purpose of this website is to be able to ask me any question you want and I have no clue who is asking the question unless they tell me. Anyways....so nobody has written on it in over a year. The only reason why I know this person did is because it emails me when someone does. The person has give me hints but they have not helped. Trying to filter through my 650 facebook friends with limited filter material really hasn't gotten anywhere......then again I also though that this person could just be messing with me. Let me just say...its working. Its seriously driving me nuts! You can't torture a girl......so if the person in question is reading this blog, you are required to at least give me more hints ;) Help a girl out!!!

Balancing Act

Okay....so my last post was rather dreary and personal. I'm not going to apologize for it. I guess you should call me an emotional writer. I literally was in a fight and walked away and blogged that....plus there was more to it but honestly I've just been trying to drown all that out and just focus on what is important right now. Who needs a personal life to work out all the time anyways?

Now...focusing on what I have been hasn't been easy. I feel like I'm more scatterbrained then I have ever been. I have a lot on my plate...yes, but I love what I'm doing. I LOVE my job. Plus...just to make it better, I discovered today that since we have a plastic specialty in-house...that I get a huge discount on plastic surgery!!!! Ya to boobs!!!! hahaha ;)

On top of having work, I have school. That starts on the 24th I think and I just now ordered my books. I have an assignment due I think the first day too. I hope Amazon will hurry the hell up with my stuff because I definitely do not want to be starting this semester on the wrong foot. Not at all. I just really want school to be officially done and over with but knowing my luck, I would find something to get a Ph.D in that I think I need. Yet again though, I think I'm pretty set on my goals. I have two big exams in the "Pharmacy World" coming up so I will have even more credentials under my hat and of course that will increase my pay grade even more so I need to have time to study for those. I'm taking one exam specifically in 2 1/2 weeks. I guess I'm telling you all this to not freak out if you don't hear from me. Plus I'm sure your following on Facebook so your not lost......not that you care anyways what goes on. I just think that you do so I'm informing. :)

Other than that.....thats it for now.

No Dice.....

I may not have completed much in my life or have followed through with many things but I still have thought I was a good person. I still thought I was good enough to be loved. My failures were ones of my own and it didn't help for the troubles and hardships that I had to deal with along the way. By no means have I ever said I was perfect. All I ever wanted was to be loved, to be believed in and to be valued. Thats it. But yet to the one person that I put everything of me into just said I don't deserve it.
So where do I go from here? What do you say to that?

I could go get on my high horse and prove it wrong....but then what is point? Especially when its thought that I can't finish or they are just waiting around until I fuck something up. I'm exhausted of the fighting and never being good enough. I'm exhausted on trying to make things better because all that happens is another fight or I'm let down.

I can see where the other side could say that  I'm just trying to get attention or trying to pull the sympathy card when all they were doing is using "Tough Love"....but realistically if someone has expectations of someone then its what they created for them. So really it could that its impossible for that person to even be that way. I do that with people. Not everyone...but to some. I see something in them that they can't or I see something in them that I want to change and work for me. Realistically though, if that person doesn't change on their own, they definitely will not change if its been forced upon them.

I can talk in circles to support my side....I'm sure they can talk in circles to support theirs. I know because I just tried to talk to them. I apparently have to make a choice in my life to either tolerate being treated like shit because "I deserve it" or move on a completely "NOT WANTED"  direction.

I've made mistakes that have affected others. I'm human just like everyone else. All I asked was for another chance. Support. Hope. Something. I just needed to know if they were in my court. So instead of a Yes or a No....I got something worse and I don't know what to do with that. I really don't.

Don't pop my bubble!

Its amazing how I went from this high of being in a happy hypnotic bubble to have it tried to be popped by an evil thing with a pointed on fire shiny stick. Yes that was a lot of nonsense and adjectives but I have describe my issue appropriately!!! Well its not amazing. Its annoying. Its really not needed and I would prefer to be avoidable......but since thats not happening so I'm blogging.

I want to say I'm looking for guidance but honestly a quick fix would be preferable. That means I need an instant million dollar lottery winnings so hurry up with that okay???  Really....I do. Thats my quick fix. I personally don't think it will help but I was told that was the option.

Now I'm done talking lottery. Realistically I have a problem and I don't know how to fix it. Usually I would talk myself out of anything or have the ability to persuade with my words.. Like I've talked myself out of being grounded....about 22 speeding tickets, being arrested, and job opportunities and I think maybe my marriage. But....I found something I can't persuade or talk the other person out of. My words will not do justice. You see...when you deal with person with severe depression, a cookie can become their enemy. A dollar bill could turn them.....a smile could torture them. The only way I know of how to help someone that is depressed is too talk them out of it or sneak anti-depressants in their coffee. Those options are not options with this person I'm talking about so I have absolutely no clue on how to help them....at all.
This person is beyond close to me. Thats why my world in the amazing happy bubble of my new and fabulous job is about to popped. Not that the job is going anywhere....just my enjoyment might go. You see when this person is happy, I'm happy. When their sad...I'm sad. blah blah blah...etc. So...needless to say I'm trying to rub off my happiness on them and its not working..its backfiring. big time.

I just don't want one day to come that there won't be anything for me to do because that person is gone. They gave up because I couldn't figure out how to help. Its that serious and that scary. I know that. I feel that...and I can't stand it. Its not me...in case you wondering.Remember....Happy Bubble....lol

Okay now really. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with a severely depressed person??  Or do you have lottery tickets you want to buy and give me to win on??? Anyone??

little Blurb

I should probably wait until later in the day to give you the update....but I'm sitting here with tons of time and nothing really to do with it so you guys get a blurb. Not a big one...just a little blurb.

So I'm a bit complexed at the moment. You see when a girl isn't exactly sure what to where, its kinda a big deal. You might be laughing....but really it is. Luckily I will be at work really early so I can scan out my schedule.....but I'm still wondering if I should just put my scrubs on now to just get it over with. Plus another thing.....my boss said its cool to wear jeans. Usually people would throw up their hands in excitement to hear that but this confuses me even more. Maybe I'm just getting snobby and self centered with my new role, but to me.....it doesn't seem appropriate for management to do so. So....I'm wearing my jeans..along with heals. :) I highly doubt I would be thrown into a board meeting off the bat so I'm taking my chances....besides. I am wearing the jeans she told me to but dressed up a bit.

Well....I will followup this evening and give the low down. I'm excited and anxious so I better go touch up my make-up and get on out here! 

Moving forward with an attention whore.

"It is for us to pray not for tasks equal to our powers, but for powers equal to our tasks, to go forward with a great desire forever beating at the door of our hearts as we travel toward our distant goal." Hellen Keller


So I get up this morning. Apparently my other half is still failing to meet his Mr. Mom duties because guess who was still in charge of emptying the house? Ya...he did though make it from the bed to the couch in clothing though so he gets sorta of a point for effort. I'm now worried that he won't be able to actually take over. Technically mornings here are simple....that is if you get up in time to do so. You do have to follow around the oldest child and yell a continuous checklist of  brush teeth & hair, socks & shoes, you don't match, and is your library book in your book bag??? Other than that its a breeze.

Now...lets just hope he can do it. I was hoping to be able to test him but that obviously didn't work in my favor. Now I bet on my first day gone I will have a text, "Where is the school?" because he obviously didn't meet the time requirements needed to scoot everyone out of the house appropriately. Then again after my surgery a couple months ago, he seemed to do well for the few days he took charge so maybe there shouldn't be a worry at all. We will just have to see.

Today even though I may not be at work, I do have a lot to do. Thank God!!! I can't stand not having anything to do. I've actually been going a little nuts with the fact that knowing I will have a full plate of expectations of me is coming but I don't get to part take in it. Weird I know. But I hunger for people to need me. Pardon me to be an attention whore but I can't help it. Is it so wrong to find enjoyment in knowing that someone absolutely needs me to finish their day let alone doing what is needed of me is my fulfillment for myself. You have a math question?? Ask me. You need drugs in the OR? Ask me. You need billing done? Ask me. You need your feet rubbed?? Don't Ask me......lol

All I'm trying to say is that I love my career to the T. Pharmacy was meant for me to pursue and I love every bit of it. Sitting in OR's, mixing chemicals, and the MATH :)....I'm a nerd for polynomials.....plus you got to love being in charge. I'm thankful for the ability to move up while I'm still goaling after all that fun stuff to add after my name. You know...PhD...fun stuff like that. I'm thankful that I have this opportunity to continue my dream. :)

Prison and Dumbasses........

You live....you learn.....you grow....right??? That's the way things are supposed to work anyways. Why on earth would somebody do the same stupid thing twice?? Its not like the whole cause and affect method would be different. Yet dumbasses are still out there making the same mistakes over and over again. Some of these dumbasses are your friends. Yep. You know you have one. That one friend that you just love to death and can't get rid of or walk out on because they are as dumb as shit and they NEED you. My friend though isn't just a mess up with small stuff....its big things too.

I've always been at a loss my whole friendship with this girl. Even when I tried to intervene and tell her what's up she would NEVER listen. You would think I would stop wasting my breathe...but I didn't. I still tried to help. For 15 years I tried to help this girl and I don't think she ever listened to me. So now you can see on why now i finally struggle with even wanting to help. This time though it really isn't help that is being asked of me. Its just being there and promising not to go anywhere. Luckily I have time to process this. She's in prison so its easier.

She became mad at me for not allowing her to call. So I made it clear in a letter the reason why. I mean what do you say to someone that is in prison? "Hey...how's your day going? How's your cellmate? Did you get hit on today during mealtime?? Did you get time in the yard??" ya....not something I would ever want to partake in for sure. The last thing I want to say to my kids is, "Shhh...Mommy is trying to call the Prison"...Maybe its wrong to think this way but I would think making a phone call in prison wouldn't be fair. Here you are in prison for mistakes that you made that you chose to do even with the regards that knowing your actions could place you in jail in the first place. Calling someone is a luxury....right? You shouldn't be allowed to know whats going on in the outside world. You shouldn't be allowed to know the gossip and who is dating who and who wore what and all the jazz.

Jail I thought is supposed to be the place where you loose your rights because you abused the ones you did have. Its almost like we take people, send them to jail (room and board, exercise, food, tv, shopping, internet, face-to-face visits and phone calls) and give them a better life then what they had in the first place. Jail is just a whole new world full of crazy people that don't have to work their asses off to pay for the roof over their head, pay for the food that goes on their table and take care of a family. It almost seems like an easier life. You really don't have any responsibilities but to not get raped in the shower right???  I could be the naive and ignorant person and not know what I'm talking about. I mean I never experienced it. Plus I never will. Then I think who is the naive one? Especially when I'm reading this last letter from her I have saying that "this place really isn't bad at all."

I have a few months still to figure what I want to do with her. Plus she knows already how I feel so if your reading this and have pin pointed on who I'm talking about and want to go run your mouth....don't because it won't make a difference. Luckily I know I'm dealing with a complete "sober" person with the letters.....but over all the time of being disappointed over and over again, I just can't help to question if I should be there for her when she gets out.

So I've lived....I learned about her......so which way should I grow????

Well aren't YOU lucky???

You can high five me later for providing entertainment now two days in a row....just saying. Now for the entertainment I call my life.

Today, 1/11/11, is said to be the luckiest day in the world. Now that's hard to believe because at 11:11 am and pm today, I'm sure a shit-ton (yes this a word...in my book. Deal with it) of people are wishing to win the lottery or fall into a life with no worries just like I am and I GUARANTEE that it won't happen. But its fun to do it still right??? This is when it sucks to be optimistic. Me, Myself, and I is always that gullible person that will have a little bit more hope than an average person. Not really a bad thing but its not a good thing too. I've had my heart crushed and hurt because of my optimism but I've also have had the biggest high when things happen the way I had hope. Its all in your perception really....and having a Catch-22 process functioning of a brain. Either way...Here's to hoping!!!

Moving on to other things.......

So today was supposed to be my first day for my new life at my new job.......................and that is not happening. Nothing bad luckily. My boss went on vacation and now she is stuck in Florida...shopping. Damn that sucks. Poor woman. Here we are about to get this big gigantic blizzard (Ohio terminology for 2 inches) and she is unable to get a flight home. So I'm waiting....just waiting for when my first day to take over this hospital will be. Besides....quiet time makes this optimistic person think...over think things actually. The more time I have to make this brain of mine think... can sometimes be a bad thing. Before this hospital will know it, I could formulate a new plan on how to wipe your own ass...you never know. I can't control this thing in my head. Shit happens. lol Okay...just kidding. Maybe a little bit.

Oh....so one more thing. One BIG thing. Having a little issues with the husband. I think he's gone mad. Well I'm not too sure. Apparently he has been over obsessed with getting this big buck of deer and the fact that he has been unable to get him has made him evil. Super Evil. Like I need spiderman to put web his mouth shut because of that evil that has come from his mouth. He doesn't mean it...(well he better not or we need to have a new discussion about life options), he just has a habit of when he is miserable, everyone else has to be miserable. I even got yelled at last night for trying to cheer him up. "Pep talks are not only not necessary, but not allowed"....thats what I was told....ya. Living with him has been sooooo fun.....NOT.Remember that optimisim again??? Good thing I have it or I'd be screwed in this relationship.

So that sums it up for now. Have a fantastic lucky day. Oh and this:

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world." Buddha

Long Time....No post

Well....Hi! Its been a little bit since I posted anything. I think I just fell in the loop of nothing but everything else to do and forgotten many things that I have started. haha......well thanks to a dear and fabulous friend for starting up her blog again, I have decided to come back to mine.

Not too much has happened...well I should say nothing too dramatic has happened. Shit...who am I kidding. I'm just going to spit it out first because really its the only thing in past few months that won't ever break in how much excitement and happiness it has brought in my life. I GOT A JOB....and this isn't just any job. Its a big job....like you need to wake up and put your big girl panties on BIG kinda job. I'm not going to question this hospital's thoughts on why they chose me....nope. I'm just glad they did and I'm going to make sure they won't regret that they did. Is it too much that I'm thinking of making cookies for my first day??? lol...yes...I'm brown nosing but who cares!!! I'm running my department anyways so if the people under me don't like me then well thats their own issue. lol Besides...who doesn't like cookies???

I'm also looking forward to how life will seem to be organized again. I've been so used to being all over the place with a schedule that I almost thought that inhabiting one would be impossible. I love the idea where everything will have a time and place and focus on what I need to do with it vs. me looking at the clock and trying to figure out how I'm supposed to get there when I'm here for another hour and it takes 20 minutes to get this location and did you forget that you have to be here at this time and then maybe a night shift plus school work on top of that??? Plus did you remember your pills?? Ya...that's been my life for the past 5 years...not no more. I have a schedule. ;)

Lets see....not too much else has happened. I've reconnected with a few friends that I love dearly....lost a couple friends that I have loved dearly. Have a few people that I can text and bring a smile to my face and also an apparent stalker that can leave me alone hopefully starting today.

So thats that as of now. Plus I need to stop here because I'm in need to get ready for a meeting. Tomorrow I start my "Schedule" Today...I'm still on hell time.

Have a great day!!!