I may not have completed much in my life or have followed through with many things but I still have thought I was a good person. I still thought I was good enough to be loved. My failures were ones of my own and it didn't help for the troubles and hardships that I had to deal with along the way. By no means have I ever said I was perfect. All I ever wanted was to be loved, to be believed in and to be valued. Thats it. But yet to the one person that I put everything of me into just said I don't deserve it.
So where do I go from here? What do you say to that?
I could go get on my high horse and prove it wrong....but then what is point? Especially when its thought that I can't finish or they are just waiting around until I fuck something up. I'm exhausted of the fighting and never being good enough. I'm exhausted on trying to make things better because all that happens is another fight or I'm let down.
I can see where the other side could say that I'm just trying to get attention or trying to pull the sympathy card when all they were doing is using "Tough Love"....but realistically if someone has expectations of someone then its what they created for them. So really it could that its impossible for that person to even be that way. I do that with people. Not everyone...but to some. I see something in them that they can't or I see something in them that I want to change and work for me. Realistically though, if that person doesn't change on their own, they definitely will not change if its been forced upon them.
I can talk in circles to support my side....I'm sure they can talk in circles to support theirs. I know because I just tried to talk to them. I apparently have to make a choice in my life to either tolerate being treated like shit because "I deserve it" or move on a completely "NOT WANTED" direction.
I've made mistakes that have affected others. I'm human just like everyone else. All I asked was for another chance. Support. Hope. Something. I just needed to know if they were in my court. So instead of a Yes or a No....I got something worse and I don't know what to do with that. I really don't.
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First off, I LOVE YOU! now for the nitty gritty...
ReplyDeletein the end, no matter what the outcome is, you are ALWAYS stuck with yourself. You will ALWAYS have to live with yourself! It is so important to love yourself and be proud of everything you have accomplished (which is a boat load)! People can leave you and you can leave people, but you can't escape your own heart, mind, soul...do whatever it is that you need to do for yourself. I have no doubts that you will always take care of the kids, but above and beyond that...don't sacrifice your self worth, confidence, POWER, for anyone that is only going to try and take all those good things away from you! Be true to you! Love ya mama!