Verbal abuse is the one thing that never heals. It continues to silently erode its victim's self-worth. Their ego is gone. Their emotional connectors are out of sync. Verbal denigration manifests itself as a form of physical abuse.
The classic abuser conveys a message to his victim that she is responsible for his negative behaviors; that she is a failure in most or all of the roles that she is fulfilling; and that, apart from him, she is helpless. Victims of abuse eventually come to believe that they are powerless and objects of shame. Statistically, reports of women being abuse are more common than that of men.Yes the roles of course can be reversed but its just not as common.
So...whats the point of all this seriousness? Its important to know. There are too many people out there thinking they are just meant to be where they are. I really wished I would have recorded my session with my counselor yesterday. It was empowering, educational, and realistically motivational. It was only an hour, but I was able to get a lot out. I was able to find reasons and explanations for why things have played out the way they have over the past few months. I can connect why my behavior has changed, my emotional connections and pretty much all my actions.
I didn't grow up in a house where love didn't exist. I grew up with the understanding of love where it was "conditioned". I was loved because I was a child; but, became questioned when when I was trying to be me. I lied to create the situations where I could do what I wanted to do and be who I wanted to be because it was impossible for me to be that person at home. My parents didn't like my stubbornness, my creativity, and sense of perception. So...they created a controlled environment so I could only be me...but with catch. Obviously as an adult those conditions no longer apply. The love is just love. Instead of the conditions there are the lectures in place of them. Which works for me at this point. This though stimulated behaviors that I never healed from and apparently placed myself in because it was something I was used to. It was comfortable because it was what I knew.
Now lets take that little piece of history and place it to today. Lets also add that fun saying on where women look in a partner to find the feeling of "home" because that has been implanted in them that is what is supposed to make them happy. Its all a mirage. Here you thought it was great but realistically your stemming a situation that makes you feel like home...but yet growing up you couldn't be YOU when you were at home. It was conditioned. You just walked into a relationship that you just left and your questioning why your having issues. Why is it when you finally realized that something wasn't right and tried to be you, there was issues? Conditional love is a form of abuse. The verbalization of telling you the person your supposed to be to another is not allowing you to be accepted of the real you and over time there is that loss of who you used to be. I may not be coming out with all this right for a way for you all to understand yet...but I'm trying to figure it out. I just know I had a light go on in my head yesterday and I don't want the power to go out. For once something actually made sense and all I did was tell the truth.
I have a long way to go...but at least I have some clarity. My behavior and choices have been justified. Here these things have basically been debilitating me and isolating me....but now I see their purpose. One thing though that I need to take care of is this issue I'm having with a microscope. I have no security. I have no privacy. Everything I do is questioned and I actually believed at one point that it was for good reason....but it isn't. Nothing should validate a rationalization to take away yet another thing from me. Nothing.
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